Hypothetically Speaking...

So for a blog post’s sake, let’s imagine I have a boyfriend (yes, I know, imagination is all I have- but you know what? One day my luck will turn around and he’ll enter my life and it’ll be awesome).

Now, to make things scandalous, let’s imagine I’m breaking up with him. Here is a list of curses, jibes, and witticisms I’d say, express, wish, and even images I’d send his way. Well, not really send because that’d be the crazy psychotic ex-girlfriend thing to do, but just, keep it within his field of vision.

• Buy a spine the next time you’re at the store.

For the gutless boyfriend. Would sound amazing when screamed out loud non?

• If I had the money, I’d buy you a personality makeover. After getting you a plastic bag to cover your face.

I don’t really know what the plastic bag is doing there, but my intention with that is to jibe the boyfriend about how bad he looks.

• I’m sorry, I think there’s a face on your pimple.

HAHAHAHAHAHA.

• I hate you like I hate Robert Pattinson- enough to rot tomatoes and eggs and then throw them on you.

The idea here is that you hate someone so much, you’d actually make an effort to go out and do something more than just horrible to them. Normally if you don’t care much for a person, you just don’t do anything about it, but when you hate someone with a passion, you go the extra mile to make them feel that. So not only would I actually fork out the money to BUY some very thanks-to-inflation-expensive eggs and tomatoes, I’d actually rot them at home, keeping the eggs and tomatoes out in the sun and treating them badly so they just turn putrid. AND then shower the guy in them.

• Okay, I’m all out of ideas already. Man, I really cant hate anyone for nuts. Rest assured, this post WILL be updated very often. I also welcome suggestions woohoo!

Also, if you’re interested in being my metaphorical other half*, please don’t forget to send in your applications to:

Abeer Y

[insert address for creepy blog stalkers]

[insert phone numbers for creepy Darth Vader-breathing like stalkers]

[insert full Facebook name for endless creepy friend requests which start with ‘hi. want to know you more.’]

[insert Twitter name for minute details of movement :inbathroom-inroom-eating3rdsliceofbread-watchingantsfly]

*Terms and Conditions apply- one of which is we cannot be in a relationship if you don’t have the same telecommunication line that I use. I wont waste 10 sen of my credit on you if you’re from a rival network.