The Solution For World Peace

Yes, ladies and germs, I finally have it.

You may say that the reason why this blog went on such an unannounced hiatus for so long was this very solution.

After all, world peace is no joking matter. 

Its what every pageant queen is passionately concerned about. Hence, it must be important.

So anyway, first about the process of getting to the solution. I put up many variables with much other mumbojumbo, contemplated for hours on end like Rumi and Gibran, thought endlessly and penned tomes wondering what the solution could eventually be. I put nuclear disarmament up with democratic rights, affirmative action up with a new system of economic governance, free healthcare up with tax rebates. I thought lengthily like an economist to make sure all would be well at the end, shrewdly like a business entity about what would cost me the least, ethically like a Social Sciences student and mechanically like an Engineer to make sure the model would fit and work.

And the solution, which you await with bated breath, I can tell you, consists of only two words. 

Yes, that's right. 

Two words, 14 letters. 

The solution is in fact

Fabric Softener.

No, please dont push back your chairs and leave. 

Listen. 

Hear me out.

Here is my proposed plan of action.

1. Buy tons of fabric softener.

2. Make all world leaders and people in power, bad people included, smell it in small amounts, just gentle enough to waft through their nostrils, not too overtly so as they get nauseated by its smell.*

3. Et voilà!

The gentle calm fragrance calms them down, put relaxing music on behind, put the air conditioning on full blast to keep everyone's hot heads within limits and begin peace talks.

4. Attain world peace.

Disclaimer- This methodology has not yet been tried, hence its effects and causes on world peace are yet unknown. But if licensed for use under the copyright of Abeer Yusuf, this will probably be a good idea. Please remember, all credit and creative practise licenses belong to Abeer Yusuf, probably going to be called Inventor of World Peace once this takes off (jjjyeaaah!)


*- The application of this is in the appropriate manner is of utmost importance, because everything relies in the moderation and effusion and diffusion of this. If you must know, they call me the Nose amongst the great science circles for my keen ability to sniff out stuff.

When I Was A Kid

April's Fool is no longer as special a date as it used to be.

This is probably due to the fact that nowadays, in the run-up to April Fools', we're reminded that the impending day is soon, and so its not so much of a surprise, thanks to commercial interests that go around advertising it everywhere.

When I was a child however, April Fools was a big day. Primarily because I was, without fail, unaware of the date change every year, apart from the fact that I now had to write the number 4 rather than 3 as I had been for the last month. And every morning, without fail, at about 8 am or so, some wisecracking smartypants would allude to a spider on my head. The first time, it was always scary. And like OMG THERES A SPIDER ON MY HEAD WHAT DO I DO? But within a minute, realisation would dawn upon me that there was no eight legged monster on me anyway. Of course, I'd know it was April the 1st within a minute because someone else would go, "Abeer, there's a lion on my head". The entire day after that would be full of eye rolls when magically goats and cockroaches would all appear on my head on that fateful day.

I know this is terribly pathetic an exercise for the 1st of April. But this is what we did, and this is what I miss, because it was a bit more fun that day.
Hopefully ones in the future are a little more than a date change from 3 to 4.

"April 1. This is the day upon which we are reminded of what we are on the other three hundred & sixty-four." – Mark Twain

Mama O Mama!

. So last night Mama was cleaning fish and given how its discarded parts stink, Mama made me take out the trash. Being a little ultra-conservative since it was nightfall (which is when Jinns are said to come out and linger around tree-like places, among other criteria, which is incidentally where the garbage bin is), my khala (mother's sister; aunt) got all Negative Nandini and went 'no no i'll take the trash out' and 'there are witches there and spirits and whatnot' (choorael or pontianak, whichever).  To which my Mama responded by giving me sagely advice, "Abeer, if the witch comes out in front of you, you scare her by screaming at her." Then pauses. And goes, "No, wait. Just untie your hair and she'll be scared of you."

. So anyone who knows me knows that a baby prankster resides in me. And what most people dont know, is that I fall for my own traps. Like, its not even funny how many times I've forgotten a trap that I've set up for someone to walk into or something and its gone haywire because I have fallen for it. Anyway, so the thing with the shower at the home I'm at is that there is a lever contraption that allows you to change the water flow from showerhead to taphead. You get what I mean? And I happen to be the only one who bathes like a queen with water blessing me from above. So I'm the only one who switches the mode from taphead to showerhead. And usually, after I'm done, I switch it back to taphead, but one particular day, I wanted to be naughty and have someone get blessed with water from above. So I let it be as it was and left. Hours later, I went in to wash my feet and came out with water on my back. And with no one to be pissed off. The next time I showered and felt naughty I did the same thing. But this time, Mama went in and got rained on massively. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. That is all.

. Since my khala's my mum's sister and they're related and all that, I think this post can come here. My aunt teaches at a local girls high school and it being examination time, she receives all sorts of answers on exam papers. One particular tale she was recounting was extremely hilarious. A student who mustnt have studied too hard ended up writing a tiny portion of her paper in pencil, writing to an unknown examiner (my aunt) to please not let her fail and somehow manage to pass her. She also instructed the examiner to erase the written portion in pencil so that no one would find out and added her address and phone number if the examiner marking would want a remuneration. Given that the child only scored a 2 out of 60, it was kind of hard to pass her.

Abeerism.

I believe in Hell. Not for any other reason, but because I believe that there is gruesome fate that awaits those who ordain it without a care in the world. 

I'm looking at you, Governments and Kings of "the people".