Friday, October 21, 2011

Love Me... Um, No Thanks. Its Okay.

Quite recently I came across this little 'shared' piece of pie going around Facebook, thanks to the public settings. This particular gem is about husbands (presumably Muslim, because the accompanying image is that of a burqa clad woman and her Muslim husband) and how they should love them. Its accompanied by a geniunely very cool quote about how Islam too states that women ought to be treated well and whatnot, but I cant help but feel absolutely loathe-some towards alot of the qualifying 'love her despite' points on it. I deleted three off the list, because they actually made sense, but if you can compare it to the original, then you know what those three are- and I did it because I wanted this post to be a rant-only post. Whee.
 
"Love her …when she sips on your coffee or tea. She only wants to make sure it tastes just right for you.
I’m sorry but since when did Love’s ultimate sacrifice become tolerating your spouse sipping your tea? Bitch if you cant be okay with me sharing your goddamned morning drink without reason, you sure as hell are going to be a pain when it comes to sharing a blanket. And joint bank accounts? Never.

Love her…when she asks you to play with the kids. She did not "make" them on her own.
What kind of a father has to be told to play with the kids? And what does the second line even mean (no I know what it means) ?!

Love her...when she is jealous. Out of all the men she can have, she chose you.
Trust me, there is no massage men love more than an ego massage. The moment a chick shows the tiniest signs of jealousy, guys like it – it proves that they’ve got game and have enough positive qualities that would fester insecurity in their woman’s mind. Provided of course that she doesn’t go psychotic on his ass and start accusing him of sleeping with every woman he even talks to.

Love her…when her cooking is bad. She tries.
What the fvck. Yes, that’s the ultimate sacrifice. Because if your bloody broccoli is over boiled, its reason enough to not love someone and with all your vegetative might, still attempt, try beyond your capacity to love her.

Love her…when she looks dishevelled in the morning. She always grooms herself up again.
Worth mentioning that Cindy Crawford herself once said that “even I don’t wake up looking like Cindy Crawford”. This point the author has made? Pathetic. Also, have you considered that she might look like a weather-beaten umbrella because she’s up all night…hearing you incessantly snore like a log?!

Love her…when she asks to help with the kids homework. She only wants you to be part of the home.
Seriously what kind of a father are we talking about here? What father wouldn’t even want to be involved in his own child’s education?

Love her...when she asks if she looks fat. Your opinion counts, so tell her she's beautiful.
Right. Your opinion counts, so if you think she looks like a big black plastic bag, say otherwise. Listen, not every girl is a retard, and when she wants your opinion (at least this is what I think) she wants your opinion.  And there’s always a nice way of saying everything. So don’t lie. Tell her the truth, but say it politely.

Love her…when she looks beautiful. She’s yours so appreciate her.
O yeah, because that’s really hard to do.

Love her…when she buys you gifts you don't like. Smile and tell her it's what you've always wanted.
Or maybe just throw her massive hints that you don’t want that peppermint cream tie she’s been dying to get you; instead state what pansy-ass multiplayer game you want; pretty sure a chick with brains will get you what you want.

Love her…when she has developed a bad habit. You have many more and with wisdom and politeness you have all the time to help her change. Love her…when she cries for absolutely nothing. Don't ask, tell her its going to be okay.
You have MANY MORE? What is this? Some kind of sick competition? Who knows who has what? What is this author smoking? Don’t ASK?! That’s the worst advice ever!

Love her…when she suffers from PMS. Buy chocolate, rub her feet and back and just chat to her (trust me this works!)
IM SORRY, SUFFERS FROM PMS? YOU'RE GOING TO GET IT LA.

Love her…when whatever you do is not pleasing. It happens and will pass.
HUH?

Love her…when she stains your clothes. You needed a new thobe (kurta) anyway.
Dude.

Love her…when she tells you how to drive. She only wants you to be safe.
NO. Nobody appreciates a backseat driver. It’s the worst experience in like, ever.

Love her…when she argues. She only wants to make things right for both.
Jesus H. Christ. Don’t love her. Bloody hell, reason with her! And who’s to say that she’s not actually right- I know tons of women who have egos the size of Panama; some women wont back down at anything.

All this forms part of a Woman's Character. Women are part of your life and should be treated as the Queen.
No, its not. Yes they are, and yes, treating them like Queens would be perfect. But please, if loving me means having to lie to me, or tolerate the fact that I drink your chai, please don’t fvcking marry me.

Saturday, October 1, 2011

i tweet, therefore i am not.

July to September 2o11. 


Just because I'm still ill, doesnt mean you have to feed me krill. ):

ah the lovely loopholes of lacuna.

(@Tania R) You're so unoriginal it's bordering on plagiarism.

(@doppelhanger) "I was free on the weekend and falling in love seemed like a good idea then."

it takes a bastard of practised calibre to do what you've done.

o good ooogling God. commmmmonnnnnnnnnn!

The curious case of YOUR button.

of a time when what was once magical has now become murky.

(Nadiah)I guess "yang geli hati" is the old way of saying "and the fucked up thing is!".

You say Abeer, tu hai sar se neela, I say you, YOU sarsapilla!

remember how i said i hate people who make promises and give you their word and then back out? yeah, that.

How highbrow of you, Heathcliff.

"I mean seriously la, eat a bowl of yourself"- Shalini Julia John.

bring me close, spin me fast, hold us tight. swish.

wishes it was Bombay and Holi already.

my life is incomplete without a wire fox terrier.

I need to break up with my boyfriend. Aside from the fact that he's imaginary, he gives me waaay too much drama.

My two favourite words: food fight. Followed by my one favourite word: Africa.

UGLY PIMPLE, Y U NO BE DIMPLE?

Hi, my name is Abeer and my hair has bipolar disorder.

When I was a kid, I'd read the words Lager Beer as Larger Beer. I often wondered why it didnt come in servings smaller than Larger.

All this hungama, for such little drama? Hai Rama!

Your noggin is trollin'.

IF I was a werewolf, you'd be extremely fvcked.

Wind. #thingsthatmakemyday The blowing kind, not the flatulence.

got an email from her School's Secretary saying that she wished her little daughter was as active and cheery as me! #wordsthatmakemyday

If I could, I'd dye my hair grey.

Vhere's Voldy?

I'm sorry, I dont speak Bitch. Can I interest you in Sarcasm instead?

You're a pronounced pain in the posterior.

Is fraught with frustration no more! Wheeeeeeeeeeee!

Stuffed like a sacrificial cow!

You say ola, I say pavlova.

There is a place in England called Dumfries. I wonder where the smart fries go.

you know it means something when someone vouches to be your referee.

In the mother of all ironies, I have a missing letter in my Traveller Profile.

Rum is yum, but makes you a little dum dum.

There comes a time when you need to apply greater sense.

I love you like coochikoo.

You're tutu cute.

Write light and rid me of my plight.

Wishes people would owe her hoodies.

is in Vietnamese taxis, Abigail.

Ghoosa marne wali murgi - Boxing Chicken.

Dear God, I dont care if you dont give me a DSLR. Just please snatch away from those that dont deserve it.

Whats the scene, kidney bean?

My name is Abeer, but it could have been worse. I could have been John A. Boehner. HAW.

If your heart is pure, it wont burn. #Vietnam

Hugs only come in one flavour.
General Cuddles. Major Cuddles. Lieutenant Cuddles. Wheee, the possibilities are so exciting!

'What did you have for lunch? A country?'

Whats the scene, human spleen?

A flight attendant is called a trolley dolly. Cool noh?

I'm sorry, but I reserve to the right of the opinion that men look incredibly sexy in tailored black sherwanis with white pyajamas. AWYEAH.

And yet you forget. Tomorrow I will look better, but you will still remain a tactless bitch. Savio.

And if i were to say, pa da pa da parapapa da, would you say pa pa pa da da da rap papa rap?

Nothing is hotter on a man than a vocabulary. Word.

Harp, hark and lark. The new hook, line and sinker.

Keep blogs vacant, not minds.

Shunned, so I'm sunny now.

The world makes much more sense underwater.

Eat my desi dirt re.

God bless our help and may everyone have someone as smiley as her!

Perchance. Retraction. Such goodlooking words no?

Egg crates are by far the cutest pretend chess boards.

If being a writer means having the ability to reflect, then babeh I have loads of mirrors around me.

Of phobes and philes.

You know you're an Arts student when you read a 'Sustainable Development' book cover as 'Subaltern Development'.

"O boy do I have a cylindrical shaft for you". #wordsthatmakemyday

I look better in low resolution.

"He's not a friend la. He's fish food".

Bro, you need methylphenidate bro.

I wish I could live in a crumble bubble, then take the bubble outside and crumbles disappear.

No, I dont want to play A Hole and A Pole.

Sometimes I wish I could somersault just to express my general joy.

Just saw a tooth on a necklace. Who would want to buy a tooth on a necklace? (tooth is fake, but still!)

Whine, but dont ever pine. No one's worth it.

"I wasnt that drunk." "Dude, you were asking my cat why he killed Mufasa".

Man you make such absolutist statements.

Projectile vomiting is always funny. Until it happens towards you.

"One of them asked where I killed the pink elephant to get the pants."

Oh baby you're so foxy, you have so much moxie.

Talking to you is like subjecting my brain to 3rd degree Guantanamo Bay-style torture.

When I grow up, I will educate my children through Banksy's works.

Your existence makes me happy". #wordsthatmakemyday

This year's most critical buy- a copy of books with pictures of Banksy's works. MUST DO.

Dear slightly obese people, they're called skinny jeans for a reason.

Because it is only through discord that you realise how infinitely united you are. #londonriots

Whenever I think of how bad my day has been, I take comfort from the fact that it could have been alot worse- I could have been you.

'What doesnt affect me, is invisible to me' IS the main reason why we are in a society as apathetic as ours.

Does anyone fester dreams of going to a traditional British sweet shop to buy candy, because they've read about it in Peter and Jane? No?Ok.

"Sometimes I think that the one thing I love most about being an adult is the right to buy candy whenever and wherever I want."-Ryan Gosling

Why on Earth would anyone in their minds want to have their candy sugar-free?! Thats like wanting you want lyrics without music.

Abeer, in a court of idiots, you'd be crowned the King lah!

Okay so I'm thinking of renaming myself Abeer Snugglesaurus Yusuf. Or Abeer Huggablesaurus Yusuf. Or Abeer Cuddlesaurus Yusuf. Sound good?

'You're like a Post-It. You stick around'. #wordsthatmakemyday

Dyou have a billi or a billa? #onlyinindia

vIs it a baby or a baba? #onlyinindia

I'll be the Carmen Sandiego to your Waldo. Pakka promise.

Friend: "You my friend, are the only bridge between me and the desi world." #wordsthatmakemyday

Abeer, why is everyone running away from you? #shitmymumsays

Man, the brilliance that is some people's minds and generosity. Up in arms, we longer are.

Buy me a vintage typewriter and no one gets hurt.

Kutte, kaminey, har ek friend zaroori hota hai. I couldnt have said it better myself Airtel.

I dil you. Do you dil me too?

"I'm bringing Abeer. What are you bringing for entertainment?"

Remind me to remind you to not forget.

I cant wait till someone tells me something cool next, so I can reply with, 'thats cool like genda/chameli ka phools'.

I'll wear sprinkles, then wont you take a picture of me.


"Dude, you're the fucking cutest. You know that?" #thingsnuzhasays

"We have all got both light and dark inside us. What matters is the power we choose to act on. That's who we really are." - S.B., HP 5 film.

I end where you begin.

Death bears a potent reminder in what you forgot far too often- the purpose of life and the mark you leave on others.

"Are you going abroad to get a new boyfriend?" #shitmyfriendssay

Jack and Jill went up the hill to get a pail, Jill stayed up, She wants to learn how to jive an' wail. #louisprima

You will one day be used by a country to wage an intellectual war. They'll fight over which country is stupider and you'll be priceless.

Word limit? More like mind limit!

Postsecret: "I didnt feel like a child then, I dont feel like an adult now".

Make Lego models, not war.
You cant spell cover without over- which practically means the death of the original.

I wish I were cast as an extra in HP only so I could wave my wand once and feel like it mattered.

Friend to me: "OMYGOD if you think he's cute, he must be really ugly".

Friend: "Know any good looking guys? Wait, why am I asking you?" #wordsthatmakemyday

I'm sorry, but I think some food accidentally got into my oil.

Happiness is only so much fun, misery is more bankable.

I wonder if it takes George Clooney a long time to pee.

I like big bread and I cannot lie. you other butters cant deny.

Way to exoticise and compound stereotypes, Outsourced series.

Was at KLCC and saw monks-taking pictures of the Twin Towers with their very own digital cameras.

why this yours/mine dichotomy?

The hair is always better on the other side.

My mum to me while I was raving about my favourite snack: "Nabati? Not better than chappati". @taniarahman @scharahap #indo

Only those who have known war know the value of peace.

(nadiah) and those who see the end of war are dead.

Your prose, not your penis, should be gorgeous.

May we all weather these terrible storms and come out from it, making decisions right for those around us.

War deserves less apathy and more memory.

If only dust bunnies were made out of clouds.

The next time you want to say dude, WTF, you can just say dude, dont be so Japanese.

You know you're in good hands when your School Secretary sends you an email saying, "Abeer, you rock!"

If you dont have a magic carpet or a flying something or the other, I'm not interested.

Read, because you must; cry, because you should; laugh, because you need to.

"She's had the romantic, she's had the intellectual, how about all that in one fine little brown package." -Manny Delgado, Modern Family.

I wish my superpower was the ability to click my heels.

Hate the calories, not the candy.

That you are only human is not a valid excuse in football. Or Indian cricket.

Seen on Facebook- "My child's first steps will be dubsteps".

The first thing I'm going to do when I get a boyfriend is to call him 'darling darling mozzarella'. #GGM @kulvinderghir

Is part of the Rupe Troupe. Are you too? #rupertgrint #hp

Hi, I'm Abeer and I'm a hoot and 3/4ths. And you are?

Insert populist statement that everyone falls head over heels in love with, then retweets till it becomes a Top Tweet.

I absolutely despise and detest discussions on diasporic discourses. And so does Dinesh.

Boring banal brain.

Proliferation of pretentious people at parties- the idiosyncrasies of our identities.

Perhaps the greatest tragedy is that you cease to be human.

Reflective of a time, a people and a nation.

Express your opinion, but never step over someone else's. Maintain it, but dont silence someone else.

Yes Mr. Bartender, a double shot of nitrous oxide.

Probably the best bag pun I've ever seen- "The Hitchiker's Bag To The Galaxy".

No, I will deny being your cousin if you insist on calling me 'cous cous'.

You, kind sir, dont have a vestige of prestige in my eyes.