in my unesteemed and uneducated opinion of course.
basically, the internet began serving a different purpose for me personally. no longer was it about playing with the resilient cover of the floppy disk drive, or the power you felt when you played a simple game with the Up, Down, Right and Left arrow keys. it wasnt about how cool your fingers felt as they typed on this typewriter-like device and how they magically appeared on screen, sprinkled with little green and red wiggles underneath, and it wasnt about being able to go on crayola.com and garfield.com anymore. it wasnt a past-time anymore and wasnt a tool a young person was to use for re-creation, something to make up for the fact that you didnt have siblings to play with. it wasnt about the CD-ROMs either- the endless amount of Scrabble you could play with the pirated CD your Papa just bought you from Imbi Plaza (HEE! i was here before Low Yat was the IT place to go to [geddit? IT, iT, IT?]) or the endless amount of times you could watch the same movies on CD over and over and over again ( i had 3- dr dolittle, home alone 3, and the borrowers ).
suddenly, somewhere someday, someone realised the potential that was the internet, and just how much it could control us, rather than us control it. along with that, came this deep embedded change in how we, as humans, were to behave in the 2ooos and the hereafter.
id like to take a 3-pronged look at this. i know that later in my life im going to regret using the term 3-prong, but really, theres no more vivid, sense-making word in my mind right now.
the first of this belongs to blogs. i write on a blog, and i only just started (again). i have begun blogging at a time when even a blog demands and consumes far too much attention and time, as i have been told so by many of my friends an alibi for why they dont view my posts. that and the fact that i blog too much (hawhaw. i happen to have alot to say, as you may have noticed). now im constantly faced by a conundrum and i constantly wonder whats the right thing to do. theres a good chance that im not a conventional blogger, convential in my hypothesis being defined as someone who quite metaphorically pours their heart out over a post, detailing trips to places, emotions that are raw and unrefined and naming people, places and feelings about them. i dont really write about myself, yet i do. everything i write is more or less about myself, something im not very proud of, because lets face it, how many people would want to read something about me? i once explained this logic to a friend, who then told me that that was exactly the purpose of a blog- its a log. youre meant to log into it. and say what you feel. its your space, so you can do whatever you want, with no care of what anyone else has to say or think about it. while that did temporarily comfort me, it brought forth many other dragons. numero uno, consider for a moment why one blogs. while reasons vary, it has to at some sub/conscious level have to be about showing one person, some person, alot of people, how you write, what you are as a person and who you are in anger, sadness, at your comical best and your physical worst.
it is about presenting your thoughts, to the best of your ability, to someone else. you know that once you hit that 'publish' button, its no longer something you have complete control over. you know that other people are reading those very words that youve painstakingly produced. if you're me, you hope rather than know. does that not in itself create a subconscious desire to present yourself in a certain light? to show that you're a certain kind of person, and perhaps have the liberty of creating a certain kind of online persona, aura and charm?
now combine that mental image with this previous line of mine-"so you can do whatever you want". this means you can post anything you want, at any point of time, about anything that takes your fancy. does that not scare you? because i sure am afraid of such a thing. i too feel alot of raw emotions and have been especially prone to them over the last 3-4 months. when you know theres a tool available right here, right now for instant gratification, the perfect playground for even a pity (online) party and a pool to collect all sorts of generous comments, who would hold back? i know i was tempted to give in many a time, articulate my thoughts as brilliantly as i possibly could, make a sweeping statement, caring no less if i tried.
but i didnt.
for the simple reason that there is a huge difference between your personal diary and your blog. a diary is on paper, you can forget it once you've written something and never have the displeasure of going through it again, unless youre spring-cleaning 3 years later. a diary doesnt have a Search bar, which will take you to every post that is related to a key term should you be the least bit interested. a diary isnt as permanent as a blog on-line, where i can steal a thought of yours, without your knowledge and privately do with it what i want. a diary is personal, a blog at any level, is not. and its this last point that has constantly stopped me. what kind of a person would i be if i were to express myself to the point of not holding a single intimate detail back from a reader, telling them everything, play-by-play if i wish. its alright in this moment, for this is what i feel the strongest about, but 2 years later? say i just went through a breakup, and i felt depression, nay, anger at the situation. its okay to blog about it now, but what of the next 4 years? when i revisit the blog 4 years later, will i still be of the same opinion? certainly not. but having poured my soul out on a blog, i would have recieved some instant comfort, something that in the short term is gratifying, but in the long term? hardly healthy. imagine, if your future suitor were to chance upon that post, what would he think? im not saying one ought to veil their personalities by presenting themselves as what they're not, but when you give into expressing your negative emotions so easily, does it not say something about you?
to me, as i recently wrote in an article, it screams the inability to withstand adversity of any kind. constantly expressing how you feel is okay upto a certain point, but when you use an easily available tool as a ruse and replacement to actually actively dealing with your domestic dragons, something is seriously wrong. i can understand an outlet, but i am afraid thats not where things are at anymore. people blog perilously with gay abandon. dont they ever go back to see what theyve written? as a retrospective look perhaps on who they were prior to an experience or situation? dont they fear what might be their impression upon others who chance upon old posts? i know i do.
at the same time though, ive just recently posted a post about being trusting and nice and all those gay and sunshine-y things you want in Utopia. is it right for us to hide the seamier side of life just to project ourselves as if everything is fine, even when everything in life as we know it, is falling apart? is it right to have impression instead on readers, that youre a bright yellow rainbow of sunshine (o god what a paradox) and that your thoughts are only second in serenity and peace to that of the Dalai Lama?
i fight this battle each and every time something remotely personal crops up. while i dont wish to hide the more depressing feelings i have, i tend to be cautious in writing anything vilifying about anyone i may not like, because one day, there could just as well be a blog post in cyberspace about me. and if its an attack on me and why im the worst last indian on earth, id rather it be cryptic than obvious. i also wonder that while i might in one very moment feel extremely strongly in a certain way, in the long term, would i feel like that? and more importantly would i be safe in the knowledge that one point of time, in the heat of a moment i expressed an opinion i cease to feel?
till tomorrow, good night.
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