Dear You,

I'm waiting for awesome.

I'm praying you wont disappoint.

Diss For Sale!

I dont think there's anyone cooler than me, only on the basis that I can insult someone and alliterate the insult at the same time!

I feel like I have a superpower now. 

"I'm sorry but your cranium is just filled with crap"

I put this up as my status about 2 days and it was overtaken by 2 Engineering students, who then proceeded to create a new term called 'Crapium', which quote unquote was connoted, 

"We have discovered a new element, Crapium! Naturally occurring in the cranium of humans in varying quantities, it radiates stupidity into the humans brain. This causes a loss of cognitive function at most inopportune times. That and Rainbow Stalin."-ZhiSheng Chow

To which was added this following line:

"Name by K.Ramrekha
Description and behavioral aspects: ZSChow"

Basically they took all the glory away from me. Indians I tell you. Doesnt matter if they're in Mauritius or Malaysia, they LOVE the glory. (I then asked for credit in CAPSLOCK, which they were all meh about. Some people aiyoh.)

The other line is:

My condolences on the contrived condition of the contours of your cerebellum.

It was on my Twitter feed and all that, and I recently unearthed it to put it up here. I think its a stellar line, and I'm probably the only one who does. Sekian.

i tweet, therefore i am not.

so here's another batch of my tweets which i found memorable and before twitter completely erases them or something i would like to remember them somewhere. hence the collection. most of the time i dont even know who im directing my tweets towards. kindly dont think im passive aggressive. all of these tweets are between april and june '11.

My ideal daily diet would consist of cuddles, snuggles, hugs, and hrushes.

The Hobbes in me cancels out the Calvin that tries to possess me from time to time.

The world needs more noble, courageous, honourable and chivalrous men like you, Desperaux Telling.

Found my Mulan number! http://youtu.be/LCzbYxwcsIE

I, Abeer Yusuf, am the rightful owner and creator the term 'hrush'. Kindly make sure you dont breach the copyright and attribute it to me.

Yknow, its interesting how we keep debating about whether its tuh-may-toe or tuh-mah-toe, when we could be asking the same of potatoes!

I'd actually like to petition for this cause. Why so tomato-ist? Just because we have tomato ketchup and no potato sauce? Mean I say!

And that should get you thinking. Why does society not have potato sauce?

Today I saw a building getting shat on, by a pigeon. #thingsthatmakemyday

Only @HibaElshafie is capable of a line like, "Guns are old school, words are our new tools"

When I was a child my smile looked like Shahid Kapoor when he smiles. What's so cool about you?

How is it that every Indian actress who becomes famous starts using Lux, Cynthol, or Fem sabun at the very same time she becomes famous?

On Cultural Night, I'm going to be the only Parliament-sari-wearing girl in the midst of sexy clingy sari wearing girls. Jai Hind.

Ross Taylor, Y U NO FALL IN LOVE WITH ME? O wait, You Just Havent Met Me Yet.

Seriously, if I have to hear the stupid Dil Mein Baji Guitar song one more time, I'll smash an air guitar over someone's head. #ipl

Doesnt it comfort you that 4 years on, some things still havent changed? Like Ramesh Powar's sunglasses? #ipl

Mere Baap Pehle Aap Alternative? Pehle Hum, Begum.

You should be able to get out of your computer and hug the person you want to hug. Gah, someone invent this please!

"Being able to make light of situations doesn’t mean they’re light." -Carrie Fischer

Yesterday a boy said I looked like a swan. Then he told me I'd fit right in with the Long Neck Tribe in Cambodia.

It's a good day for me when a boy pays a compliment by saying, 'you look tall today'. The other day I heard, 'you look long today'.

No, you dont bleed blue and yes, please stop cracking the saucer-cup joke. Get over it already.

There is nothing sexier than a thin Hermes H belt. I will own one one day.

There is, similarly, nothing more sartorially disgusting as a man wearing a thin Hermes H belt.

I like saying that i love something to bits and biscuit pieces. I hate biscuit pieces. But it sounds rather lovely that way, dont you think?

I wish my face were made out of bread.

Spotted on a placard- "Lankan Lion Malinga, show your whiskers to the Tuskers". #IPL #IPL4

Ma: Yknow Southee's going to Saudia Arabia soon. Me: Really? What for? Ma: Because his name's Southee. #desi #pun #IPL

Dear all, I have always had those legs. Just because I choose to now show them, doesnt mean they didnt exist before.

#wordsthatmakemyday "you're natural and original and we share a bond and i feel like being there for u and u have ALWAYS been there for me".

#wordsthatmakemday "you're not like other people for me. you're special."

#wordsthatmakemyday "you're awesome bee. you have this ability to light up anybody's day".

my gums dont want to hear you talk. youre chewing just a little too slow for meeeeee. boy im so bizarre.

I, Abeer Yusuf, am of the opinion that everything in life can be solved with a hot shower and a good night's sleep.

#thingsthatmakemyday squishing sponges.

I like how assumptionist horoscopes are. They all assume you have a job, a partner, a home and everything one needs in life.

#thingsthatmakemyday knowing that 5 sens/cents still have some value and that you can still buy a Kopiko from it.

Man, I wish my face looked like a cookie. I wish my face WAS a cookie!

Seriously, why does NO ONE want to take me on a date to IKEA?!

I like how people have taken to calling me A and B, whatever nickname takes their fancy. Now if only E were to catch on somehow.

A love that belongs in one of Jack Johnson's songs.

thingsthatmakemyday seeing a message that says "Saya rindu kamu juga banyak-banyak".

Kindly dont expect me to respond to 'my penis would like to say hello'.

With anything less than 'my vagina would like to slam the door in your face'.

Anything is instantly cooler when spelt with zz's. Anythingzz izz coolz withz zz'z. That was such a cool tweet non?

There is a place in Egypt called Zagazig.

any man that uses the word ameliorate in a conversation is a man worth paying attention to.

chunky chaddis, brah.

"Every closed eye is not sleeping, and every open eye is not seeing"-Bill Cosby

""R" is among the most menacing of sounds. That's why they call it murder and not mukduk." -Dwight Schrute

Abeer Yusuf- bringing you today's tweets, tomorrow.

dont you just love the love that comes your way on a daily basis? #thingsthatmakemyday

#thingsthatmakemyday when friends lament that they dont have a single picture WITH me.

Use your dimples. On me.

if there is one thing in life my Honours supervisor needs to appreciate me for, its the creative email titles I send him.

@nainaa i want someone to tickle my bum. haw haw.

dear you, waltzing is always better when there's no music. and when you twirl me.

my friend would like to call me Abiah. i sound like im from tanjung malim man!

@itsnotthatpunny what happens when buddha cries? its raining zen.

i can be your pocket-sized phataka. though there is nothing pocket-sized about me.

Dear God, thank you for giving me curls. At least I have something to fidget with.

You're a gone case, in a suitcase.

My love for you is like ninjas- invisible.

you're a little bizarre. in the 'i need to tilt my head sideways to understand you' kind of a way. that is not a good thing.

you know that things are not going well when your tights get loose.

when freedom comes to mind, you realise you're nothing but tiny matter in a laborious grind.

dont you feel that when you're tryina express go in a drawn out manner on the Net, you end up creating a synonym for shit?

"One sees clearly only with the heart. What is essential is invisible to the eye" - The Little Prince

The most saddest thing on the cafeteria boards is the breakdown of language- everyone's 'liking' comments they agree to. Sad days

Best comment on the cafeteria boards? The citing of the Donoghue and Stevenson case. #MUSA

Little known fact: One of the vendors has written his own comment on the petition board- the one with the 3 pointers. #MUSA

In my next life, I must be an African, just to attain those crazy awesome dance moves.

Are narwhals and unicorns cousins?

dont you not enjoy double negatives?

you know what they say, you cant spell Titanic without tit and stretching without retch.

I know what I should name my child. Sirius Lee Abeer. HAW HAW.

Ramlal's Cafe is the desi response to Pop Tate's.

A mature man is a contradiction of royal sorts.

Please excuse me while i go drown my sorrows in jalapenos. Straight up, on the rocks.

#wordsthatmakemyday "ek dum mast, Abeer".

#thingsthatmakemyday singing songs completely off-key, off-pitch, off-everything OUT LOUD. because they hold memories for you.

yknow how embarrassing it is when you spell snoopy as spoony? very.

Am I the only one who thinks that Paparazzi would sound amazing as part of an acapella performance, or an acoustic choir? Perhaps.

Society is so sexist. Why is it PAPArazzi and not MAMArazzi?

the word 'love' is so overmanufactured and overused in commercial commodities.

If I ever tell you that I want green chillies with my Maggi, kindly dont listen to me. My name is Abeer, I dont know any better.

Mama says Malinga looks like a lion. In what universe do lions have curly crowns? #IPL #IPL4

Hi, I'm Abeer. Would you like to fall in love with me? Condition- you have to stay in love.

I just dissed a friend offering me desi mithai (sweetmeats). I asked her, "are you high on desi ghee?"

Inzamam-ul-Haq seriously needs his own action figurine. Seriously.

i demand hoodies!

Baster is the new way of spelling bastard.

naam hai azaad, lekin halaat hai shehzaaad.

i most definitely need therapy. or that thing called a life.

im sorry, but im not a fan of proving my ignorance on matters i know little about to an audience of friends.

I love how people so happily comment on the fact that they're in my profile pictures. #thingsthatmakemyday

Yes, I'd like to nominate my extended family for Best Addams Family Impersonation, thankyouverymuch.

"Yknow whats funny, Abeer?" "What?" "How you guys have Honours for Arts." *proceeds to flip the bird*

Sorry, I lost my 'Dont Give A Tapir's Ass' face. Until then, let my 'Compassionate' face console you.

Dear Papa, a couple with 2 school-going kids are not, in any universe, considered youngsters. Kindly rephrase yourself.

even my thoo is wasted on you. shit. that could be such a cool desi indie song.

[insert crappy Abeer-ian analogy]

firmer glories, not former.

I love lying more than peace.

I think your tit just got tatted.

you're such a shoebag. HAHAHAHA.

There's a poster in this world that says, "Kate Loves Willy". Another reason to never name your child William.

You cant spell dangerous without anger.

@itsnotthatpunny once png and jpeg got into a tiff. GEDDIT?

You cant spell betrayed without the word tray.

I cant spell apostrophe. This is such a catastrophe!

he so man, he ought to be referred to as man man.

that awkward moment when you spell Tolstoy as Tolstory.

So today I looked like a complete spaz in the mall, screaming on the phone with jubilation and getting awkward stares from a white man!

Who'd want to be fantastic when you can be spaztastic?

@itsnotthatpunny, I put the pun in punk.

Hi I'm Abeer Yusuf, brilliant by day, epic by night. What dyou do for a living?

that awkward moment when you spell Windows Movie Maker as Windows Mokie Mover.

My hand says Pity Pays.

i would like to escape to the Maldives with my iPod and never-ending battery. or any part of Polynesia.

you have no frame of reference.

@HibaElshafie I think one of my day's highlights was singing the Harry Potter theme tune with you. It made my day. (O: Thank you!

no, kindly keep your virtual hugs to your virtual self.

Me: Man my dream was disgusting. Her: Its just a dream, it doesnt mean anything. Me: O yeah? Tell that to Freud.

i just want to be hugged by an elephant's trunk. is that so much to ask?

People Magazine's cover caption for the Royal Wedding is 'Love Reigns'. Despite myself, I love that title.

if you loved me, you'd buy me an elmo hoodie.

Being an optimist comes naturally to me. My blood group happens to be B+.

see you on toothsday!

Daniel Defoe, your name reminds me more of Sir Edgar Allen Poe.

attachments of a textual nature.

you're so narrow-minded, i bet even ants find it hard to push through the alleyways of your mind.

If there were ever a Shrine for Insensitivity, I'd suggest your picture be the image prayed to.

I think you need to buy tact the next time you visit the grocery store.

eww and you. o look, its even rhymes. guess it was meant to be huh? hyuk hyuk.

so many divided selves, so many frames of reference, such exhausting multiplicities.

anyone who has to describe themselves as sarcastic, is in my opinion, anything but.

there are so many reasons to be angry at the world, and just one to be happy. the fact that you're alive and that you have a beating heart.

you so fat they label the extra loose pants in the XXL section 'tights'. just for you.

so apparently in Italy, it doesnt matter how many dragons you kill, what matters is that you bring the princess home.

'Homemade warmth from the freezer'. Way to sell a product, America.

I asked my mum what colour skin tone I had. She said Dalmatian.

Yaaai, Sabyasachi ne jhooth bola! haw haw.

Gah, what I wouldnt give to be lost right now, in the suburbs of Lower Parel, trying to find a way home with Svati Maddur, at 12am.

come here you hunkalunka big lovable bear you!

The song goes 'teri kali kali aankhen' for a reason ladies. Because you know it'd sound retarded as 'teri neele neele aankhen'.

'Say it, don't spray it'.

Ladies and gentlemen, there is something in this world called confusionism. Dont even get me started on what Confucious has to say about it.

OSCAR AND THE LADY IN PINK!

there are enough of us governed by hate. lets love instead!

such comedy of errors. there is NO door handle at my university floor. NO DOOR HANDLE. can you believe that?

such comedy of errors. there is NO door handle at my university floor. NO DOOR HANDLE. can you believe that?

that awkward moment when you refer to someone as 'my lobe', rather than 'my love'.

quit rapping about how 'cliche' a statement is. the only reason its a cliche is because it holds true for so many people and situations.

Kindly step back. My company is about to blow your mind away. I need to sneeze.

"you are surrounded by nothing but love." what a lovely thing to say to someone no?

mein teri kaali billi, tu mera gora ghoda.

i would like to leave Earth laughing.

Yum is not the first word that comes to mind when you think of yam. More like um?

That awkward moment when you write pubic places rather than public places.

#thingsthatmakemyday being lifted off in hugs from friends.

Clean the vacuum of my heart, why wont you O?

I apologise in advance if my unholy Haramness gets in the way of your Holy Halalness.

Seen on an image: "There is no gravity. The world just sucks".

Brett Lee should name his next kid either Obvious or Sirius. #IPL #IPL4

#thingsboyssaytome "Ever heard of a comb, Abeer?" My reply, you'd be interested to know,was "at least I have hair to be combed.You're bald."

hum do, hamare chaar.(:

 

Wish a bassist a basstastic birthday. Really smart Abeer, really smart.

 

You know you're having a bad day when your Indian friend tells you on a intl phone call that YOU have a really thick Indian accent.

Nothing makes me happier than Kamal Hyder's sign off- 'Kamal Hyder, Al Jazeera, Pakistan'.

"you're one person i hope never to lose touch with"- #wordsthatmakemyday

My metaphorical onion- you.

Abbe yaar, tu aam ka achaar, dikha de apne andar ke vichaar!

Maldivian men can be called Male

Just call me Cuddles.

I need to start my chai with a day.

If you would like to NOT date me, the best way would be to say that you use a competing telecommunications network.

 

That awkward moment when you congratulate someone on motherfood, rather than motherhood. Thank God it wasnt me.

 

To douche or to dork, that is the question.

 

That awkward moment when you spell harami instead of hamari.

 

when i grow up one day, i will nuzzle a dolphin.

 

That awkward time when your boyfriend influences you and you refer to yourself in 3rd person is only possible if your boyfriend is Elmo.

 

org suffixes are always just a letter away from orgy.

 

It is because I am unable to find anything more suited to this moment that Mama's adage that I use "crush ne crush kar diya".

 

You coulda, shoulda, woulda. But yknow what? At the end of the day, you're just another barracudda.

 

it takes a huge person to forgive someone who robs you of your smile, doesnt it?

 

O phew, almost made a fool of myself. O wait, I've been acing that trait since I was born!

 

 

Abeerism.

Continuing onward with the serious train of thought, I would now like to add some thoughts I scribbled down messily on the back of my papers while procastinating (what else?) on some thesis readings.

On education:

Having attained a Bachelors degree at this point in my life, I notice that we all spend out early lives studying what is, what isnt, black and white. Being taught to make differentiations, ones that will last us a lifetime. What is acceptable, what is not. What is socially apt, what is not. What is okay to say, what is okay to be, what is not.

But come your university days, and you learn how to unlearn all of that. Now there is no need for differences, gender and sex are two different things, everything out there is grey matter, and you have to take the most unbiased view to looking at everything.

Basically, God bless you if you join the Liberal Arts.

On reading:

. Literature is most enjoyable for those with the greatest imagination.

. People often ask me who my favourite author is. I can never answer that question. Not because I'm so well read that I have such a huge array to choose from, but because I geniunely cant. Still, people persist and this is what comes out: JK Rowling, Roald Dahl, Enid Blyton, Frances H. Burnett, etc. And only for one reason. Because they showed me worlds where I could dream. Dream of fantastical magical things that today, I no longer remember the shape of.

A child's memory is one of the best toys an adult can have, because it is clean, like a slate. You can add so much to it, play with colours and concepts, escaping the claws of logic, reason, rationality and even practicality! Our minds as children are so pure, so untainted by systems and sense, its almost ridiculous. Have you ever re-read a book you once loved in childhood and wondered how on Earth you could have imagined so much as a child and are unable to do so now when you're bigger, better, saner and more capable of understanding something so trivial? It happened to me. I picked up Dahl's Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, a book I loved (and still do) as a child. And it made me realise that words which today I cannot spell and are in a grown-up's lexicon utter gibberish once made perfect sense. As a child perhaps nothing made more sense than the word Everlasting Gobstoppers, but today, I cant even imagine what they must look and feel like. 

It is possibly also for that reason that certain movies when watched as an infant have a completely different experience when watched as an adult. I dont know if the word I'm looking for is 'tolerant' but as children, movies serve a different purpose. We dont care about delivery, nor of mise-en-scene and mise-en-place, we dont care about lighting or a bad story. We care about magic. A friend recently watched The Sound Of Music and couldnt understand why she wasted 2 hours of her life. Had she watched the movie as a child maybe, the effect would have been different, as it was for the ones who'd watched it as children. Similarly I thought The King and I (1956) was annoying till the cows said moo. I am extremely tempted to delete the movie from my HDD too, but dont do so only because it took me such a long time to download it and I feel that if I have a change of heart towards the movie then I would regret not deleting it. But I think its annoying. I probably wouldnt have as a child.

Anyway, making my original point, I cant wait to have my own children, whom I can socially condition and try to hold off growing up just so their imaginations survive. At least raise them up in such a way that they can make something out of their imaginations, rather than dismiss it as a silly little thing 'I used to do as a kid'. I think children are some of the most intelligent creatures around. 

I cant wait to be around a little human being who understands colours, sights, sounds and words in an entirely different way to me. A way that if given the choice, I would love to return to.

When I Was A Kid

Both these points revolve around McDonalds.

Growing up McDonalds wasnt really a big part of my life, but it was there. Its one memory I have clearly of my childhood, going to the Federal/Capitol cinema right round the corner to our place (which is shabbily managed, one half of which has become a wholesale store the other a sleazy looking Tamil cinema) at night, getting McDs right before the movie began just so I was all calm when watching, in my pajamas. I loved that about my childhood. The whole wear-your-pajamas-everywhere thing. I wish we could still do that as grown-ups. I would always order a Happy Meal, with the choice of 4 nuggets and Papa Yusuf would always reject the drink, which would always freak out the servers, because they'd be like, "Dude, the drink is free". But because I wasnt allowed to drink cold drinks (more so at night) and Papa Yusuf was dead against Ribena and Milo, we just never got a drink. And I wasnt allowed to eat bananas at night either. Or drink Fanta, at all. And, basically, alot of restrictions. Dont ask.

Anyway, the best part of the entire McDonalds experience was the lovely paper box the meal came in, which obviously also contained 'The Toy'. The tills displaying the current toys in Happy Meals would always get me extremely excited, whereupon from the time the cashier would take our order to when s/he asked which toy I'd prefer, Id be praying extremely hard for the one I wanted, to be in stock and not just on display.

It is in this context that I wish to tell you about the one time the most memorable Happy Meal toys came along and made my life miserable. Well, not really miserable. But I felt miserable because I couldnt get what was hyped.

I dont quite remember the year, but McDonalds had come up with this crazy pair of a boy and girl teddy, that you'd get in a pair, and every week they'd change. There was a groom and bride pair, a country themed pair, so on and on. Co-incidentally, Ayesha K. still has hers from childhood. In Bombay (JJYEAAAH!). Anyway, so the thing was, this whole bear-buying scene became really big, like REALLY big, because suddenly everyone was buying a Happy Meal to get these bears. Suddenly they were collectibles and before you knew it, there were huge long exhausting lines at the most sparsely located McDonalds in KL. The hype intensified because there was a massive plugging campaign on McDs part to generate more hype and attention about this. Newspapers and TV adverts had basically taken over alot of the important timeslots and ad spaces!

It was hilarious, and the effort to get the bears was real tiring too!

Papa especially was monumental in attaining these bears. I remember one bear incident very clearly where this was this particular pair that was going on sale for a particular week and Mama and I both really really wanted that one. So off we went to this obscure McDs outlet in The Mall (yeah remember that?), which was near our place and what sight beholds us- a HUGE line of people all wanting the same thing we wanted. We lined up, waiting for our turn, only to have heard while in the line that they didnt have that particular pair that we'd come there for. But Papa being Papa, we stayed in the line, got to our turn, and Papa showed his magic. He bargained with the Store Manager, saying that we'd come from a REALLY far away place and no other outlet that we'd been to had the teddy pair either and whether it was PLEASE possible to get us a pair. Of course, my adorable baby face was also used as bait to get the pair, which we eventually managed. Today I have no clue where the teddy bears are, but it was fun while it lasted.

The other thing I remember so well as a kid was the Armageddon tie-in that McDs had. I just googled the movie so I got that the year was 1998. What I remember most vividly about this was the fact that I thought the world was going to end. I'll tell you why I thought this.

Because they were probably with some meal deal or whatever, promoting the film and jazz, there were actually car stickers that had the tag line, "Its Closer Than You Think" along with the McDs logo. I thought Armageddon was the name of Judgement Day in English.

That is all.

Diss For Sale.

If you meet someone who's really smelly and you're comfortable enough to diss them, 

you can employ the following diss.

Kindly note that the 'smelliness' in question can both be literal and metaphorical.

"You stink so much, they can smell you all the way up in Narnia."

Dear You,

There are a few things you must know. 

I will be absolutely anal when it comes to our wedding playlist.

You must know I will absolutely not negotiate having any other first dance song than the Ducktales intro theme.

That and we have to learn the dance steps to Muqabla. I would love it if we could create own, but we absolutely must put on a show using that song.

And of course it would be ideal if we could somehow incorporate this last Rafi number. Perhaps something your best man can do for you.

Dear You,

I hope you spell well.

And if you can produce puns,

I'll be a smitten kitten.

Rhyming of course, will set my heart a-chiming.

Dear You,

I cannot wait to ride all sorts of trains with you.

And other forms of public transport.

Love will be established if you like autorickshaws.

Abeerism,

This is not an entertaining or a funny post. These are a slew of thoughts that I have and would like to spew (get it, slew and spew?). I dont know if it will make any sense or not, but its just, on my mind okay?

So uno.

In a fit of Rage we forget who we are. That period or time that the rage holds onto us for, we forget everything. We forget how immortal our words and actions are, how they're about to shape someone's opinion of us for eternity, how it is perhaps the first thing someone will think of when they think of us. It is, however, not important about what we do then, but how we go about matters once we remember who we are, and once Rage loses its grip on us. We may be our worst in a rage, and before anyone loves (not. just. the. boy. girl. love) us for who we are, they ought to see that side too, for only when they see us at our worst would they decide if we're fit to be with them at their best (of course, it works both ways).

But then, is it not true that only in Rage are we the most of who we are? Worst and most. Our essence doesnt get any worse than that, nor any cruder. So yes, its definitely our worst time, but its also our most purest. Its like seeing something beautiful amidst a pile of refuse. Its certainly not meant to be pretty, but remember, your worst is you at your most!

deux.

Trust. Too often, trust is reserved for those whom we know best- sometimes by choice, sometimes because we have no other option (cue high school friends who know too much!). But I feel what is important to remember is to confide and trust not in them who give you sympathy, but in those you give you truth. Not in those who give you a pat, but those who give you a parting thought to go along with that. True friends act as a conscience when yours isnt in working condition. Trust those not because they are friends with you, but because knowing you in and out doesnt lessen their love for you. Reveal yourself, hide nothing from your best, and then see what a real friend is.

Mama O Mama!

Technically, this is NOT a Mama O Mama post. Its a Cousin O Cousin post. But because she's from my mum's side, I'm going to file it under this entry.

My cousin recently got a smartphone (yeah her and 10 million other people), why I dont know. She can barely reply to texts in conversational English (she will kill me if she ever ends up reading this, but because she's so technologically challenged [even more than me!] I highly doubt that happening) and has no real need, want or use for 1001 Apps. Having said that, she has a smartphone and that is that.

While chatting on WhatsApp, she asked me something and I responded very awesome-ly. Hence this post (because when I grow up, I want to be able to remember how awesome I once was).

Cousin: Are you on Yahoo Messenger?

Me: Dude, no one even uses that anymore. Its like the uncoolest thing ever.

Cousin: Your dad uses it.

Me: Thank you for proving my point.

SERIOUSLY, HOW AWESOME AM I?

Best News Story Of 2011

Right here, ladies and gentlement.

This is now my new favourite go-to video whenever I shall be upset next!

Dear Karl,
You are now my new hero. 
A.


PS. Got this from the news website I worship, The Daily Mail. Feel free to read up on the article!

Yo Shakira

Imma let you finish, but Herbert Gronemeyer had the best FIFA World Cup anthem of all time. OF ALL TIME.

Nothing gives me goosebumps like this video and audio track does. People who were gods, be it Ballack, Pele, Raul, Ronaldo, Ronaldhino, Zidane, Maradona, no where to be found today. Former glories dont get more nostalagic than this- more so, because with those rushes, you see your own childhood. And common, its a beautiful song!

Diss For Sale.

I believe I have the perfect diss for when the person is front of you is ugly and you would like to inform them so.

So suppose its a boy.

They are mean to you (or not) and you want to insult the way they look.

You simply say,

"You're so ugly you turn gay men straight".

Inversely, if you're directing it to a girl, you say,

"You're so bad looking you turn lesbians straight".

I think that's highly hilarious.

According to popular opinion, I'm the only one who finds myself funny.

Good Afternoon World.

It's been quite some time since I've just posted a song, so here goes.

Kindly revel in the beauty and sublimity that is this tune.

On another note, I am SO excited about Coke Studio coming to India on the 17th of June, I simply cant wait. Its going to be wonderful, I'm just so sure of it.

Dear Kajol,

I would like to question the logic of a few lines you lip sync to in this movie you may or may not have heard of. It was called Dilwale Dulhania Le Jayenge and released in 1995. This song that I write of to you in particular, is the first in the movie, and still causes quite the fluttered heartbeat among many Indian youth. Its basically a song where you're wondering when your knight-in-shining-armour will make his appearance in your life and though you could have just wondered quietly into your Diary, you decided to do the Bollywood thing and make a song and dance scene out of it. In your bedroom.

Needless to say, I was quite disturbed by the following lines.

. 'Apna hai ya beganaa hai woh?' (Is he one of us or is he a stranger?)

Unless you're into incestuous arrangements of matrimony, I highly recommend that you dont put a question out there like that.

. 'Dekhe door door se, mujhe ghoor ghoor ke, usse kaho meri neend na churaye.' (Tell him who looks at me from afar (afar), who stares (stares), not to snatch my sleep away like so.)

Uh yeah, I dont know if you realise this or not, but anyone who stares at you shamelessly from afar ought to be reported to the authorities. I'll even help you out with what you should say to the cops. Tell them you have a stalker! Its not a good thing Kajol. Unless of course, you like that sort of a thing. In which case, you can totally sue Stephenie Meyer and tell her that, 'Bitch, Edward Cullen is Indian! Go find your own gora creep!'

. 'Kar bhehtha bhool woh, le aaya phool woh, usse kaho jaaye chand le ke aaye.' (He made a mistake, he brought flowers, tell him to go get me the moon!)

What are you, Stu from Despicable Me? What do you NEED a moon for anyway? And supposing he did in fact get it for you, what would you do with it? I highly doubt that you'd have the space to keep it. Flowers not looking so bad now, are they.

And yknow whats the most delusional part of this entire circus? None of the things you claim this guy to have done, he's actually done! I mean, there's no GUY in the first place, forget everything else!

Yeah, that's about it really.

A.

PS. Here's the video in case any of you are interested. I suggest you wait till the end for the cameo of the uploader. Sight you wouldnt want to miss out on.

The World's Most Hilarious Waiter

So today for lunch, I had the honour of being picked up by my two best, Regina and Shangari, in the pursuit of food, KL-side. Facing the Curly Haired Conundrum[1] as we often do, we contemplated, deliberated and ated ated a little bit more while on the roads, after which we finally decided that we ought to go to Al-Rawsha, which has value-for-money Arabian food and is a favourite haunt of the Yusufs. 

Somehow after chasing our tails metaphorically in a car, of which the acronym expands to What The Hangari[2]

we reached our tacky castle-like destination.

Now before we go on, I must give you some backstory.

2 visits back, I was witness to a hilarious slip. Anyone who knows me, knows how much I giggle and unapologetically burst out laughing at those who slip, fall, tumble, or even sneeze (yes, I'm bizarre). I dont do it with malicious intention, I even want to help the person involved in the accident, but I. Just. Cant. Control. My. Laughter. So anyway, we were having dinner, me and the other two Yusufs and towards the end, Papa Yusuf got up and went over to talk to some person somewhere. As is characteristic of him, he didnt push the chair in. Mama and I were still having dinner and while eating, I realised that someone was looking at me. Like watching me. I looked up to see who it was, and from a bit of a distance, I see one of the waiters just staring at me. Unapologetically. No averted gazes, no smile, no shame. Nothing. So I stared back at him. And he held my gaze and walked across the hall. Unfortunately for him, it wasnt long before he walked into Papa Yusuf's chair while staring so brutally at me. And as that happened right in front of me, I burst out laughing. In all seriousness I was thinking, 'serves him right'. Mama obviously didnt know that he'd been staring, so she reprimanded me immediately for being so rude (afterwards she even complained to Papa that I was a very rude child). Also, he was carrying a tray full of stuff. And he almost lost his balance and all that, but because the hit wasnt so bad, nothing toppled or fell. Thank God, or else I wouldnt have been able to stop laughing until we'd left (and we all know that looks really bad especially with the way my laughter sounds). 

And yknow whats the best part? That didnt deter the man from staring at me, even after he'd left the scene of the slip. He was staring now, from a distance. There were 2 moments that night when he walked past me, tending to some customer or the other, but each time I saw him, I'd dissolve into a pool of silent hysterical giggles replaying his near-tumble from the time before.

Anyway, back to the present.

So we go in, sit down and before you know it, the dude is right there. I thought he wouldnt be, because we went for the first time during the day, and he's usually on a night shift, but I was proved very wrong. Here's the kicker. As we took our seats, I saw him walk off into the kitchen and quickly pointed him out to Shang and G, who'd known about the incident and laughed along when I'd recited the story to them. I didnt realise, but soon enough, I got the feeling that I was being watched. I look over and right in front of the kitchens, the guy had set up a chair, and sat down. And was staring straight at me. He had a ringside seat to watch me eat. I mean seriously, how freaky is that?!

Anyway, somehow I put him out of my mind and we ordered our food. Shangari's came from the kitchen, and guess who brought it over? Yes, Mr. Waiter. And he came over, and just placed the dish in front of me without even telling us what it was. I said Thank You, and he replied extremely enthusiatically, Sama sama (you're welcome in Malay) and left. For 3 minutes we debated what the content of the sandwich was, because last I remembered, shawarmas came from the front of the restuarant, and weren't prepared in the kitchens. Anyway, took a bite, found that it was in fact Shangari's order and not mine, and passed it onto her. Our dishes arrived soon and we began eating. Mr. Waiter was still sitting and staring, but by then I was oblivious to his presence.

Within a while, we began feeling hot. Co-incidentally, Mr. Waiter had gotten up and was walking around our table (maybe going somewhere) and I asked him if he could increase the speed of the fan. Barely finishing my sentence, he looked at me, starting rubbing his forehead, and started giggling. I have no clue why, but that is exactly what happened. And then he just left. And I was like Okaaaaay. In a minute, the fan that was already not going fast enough, gets switched off. Mr. Waiter, without waiting to hear what I had to say and collapsing into a fit of giggles, thought I'd asked him to switch off the fan. I made an exasperated sign, and I think he realised that I wanted the opposite, so he switched it back on.

The fun doesnt end there.

We finished our meals, being stared at by Mr. Giggles[3] from different angles, and while we were going through our baklava (which by the way is awesome at Al-Rawsha, because they have a bakery there and its not imported), he comes over to the table, plops a glass of cold water, smiles that freaky ass smile, and leaves.

We pick up our conversation and go on.

3 minutes later, another glass of water arrives, again, right in front of me.

We pick up our conversation and go on.

4 minutes later, ANOTHER glass of water arrives, right in front of me.

And I cant stop myself from guffawing about the idiocy of this. How MUCH will I drink man?! Anyway, it turned out okay for us, because we were all thirsty and we all got, uh, free water.

For the umpteenth time, we picked up our conversation and went on, laughing and making memories.

The icing on the ice was when, within a few minutes, Mr. Giggles eventually brought a whole JUG of water and placed it right in front of me. Seriously, who does that?!

We left soon after calling for our bill, hoping that we wouldnt need a bubble to guide us back home.

---

[1] Is a concept I came up with. Whenever G, Shang and I go out for lunch, we’re almost always at a loss for places to go, because being women, we cant make up our minds. One of us eats halal food, the other is a vegetarian, and the last is a little high maintenance who insists she wont be caught dead eating McDs (she’s not that bad though, she’s a foodie!). When this occurrence took place over 2-3 times, I came up with this concept, since we all have curly hair. Doesn’t it sound like an episode title from The Big Bang Theory? Yes, I think I’m a genius too!

[2] One day, G was talking about Shangari, and instead of saying Shangari, ended up saying Hangari. It sounds a lot like hungry, which is very  funny according to me. So WTH.

[3] Nothing. This is just here to show you how cool I am. I mean, seriously, how many other people dyou know who footnote their blogposts?! JJJYEAAAAAAAAH!

Dear Abeer,

Dont forget today. Remember today when you're upset next, read this and remember just how happy these moments made you. For having friends that would drive all the way from uni, to pick you up from your home, only to take you out lunch, then drop you back and head BACK to uni. And of course, for being offered enough free water to run the Nile for a day.

A.