The Solution For World Peace

Yes, ladies and germs, I finally have it.

You may say that the reason why this blog went on such an unannounced hiatus for so long was this very solution.

After all, world peace is no joking matter. 

Its what every pageant queen is passionately concerned about. Hence, it must be important.

So anyway, first about the process of getting to the solution. I put up many variables with much other mumbojumbo, contemplated for hours on end like Rumi and Gibran, thought endlessly and penned tomes wondering what the solution could eventually be. I put nuclear disarmament up with democratic rights, affirmative action up with a new system of economic governance, free healthcare up with tax rebates. I thought lengthily like an economist to make sure all would be well at the end, shrewdly like a business entity about what would cost me the least, ethically like a Social Sciences student and mechanically like an Engineer to make sure the model would fit and work.

And the solution, which you await with bated breath, I can tell you, consists of only two words. 

Yes, that's right. 

Two words, 14 letters. 

The solution is in fact

Fabric Softener.

No, please dont push back your chairs and leave. 

Listen. 

Hear me out.

Here is my proposed plan of action.

1. Buy tons of fabric softener.

2. Make all world leaders and people in power, bad people included, smell it in small amounts, just gentle enough to waft through their nostrils, not too overtly so as they get nauseated by its smell.*

3. Et voilà!

The gentle calm fragrance calms them down, put relaxing music on behind, put the air conditioning on full blast to keep everyone's hot heads within limits and begin peace talks.

4. Attain world peace.

Disclaimer- This methodology has not yet been tried, hence its effects and causes on world peace are yet unknown. But if licensed for use under the copyright of Abeer Yusuf, this will probably be a good idea. Please remember, all credit and creative practise licenses belong to Abeer Yusuf, probably going to be called Inventor of World Peace once this takes off (jjjyeaaah!)


*- The application of this is in the appropriate manner is of utmost importance, because everything relies in the moderation and effusion and diffusion of this. If you must know, they call me the Nose amongst the great science circles for my keen ability to sniff out stuff.

When I Was A Kid

April's Fool is no longer as special a date as it used to be.

This is probably due to the fact that nowadays, in the run-up to April Fools', we're reminded that the impending day is soon, and so its not so much of a surprise, thanks to commercial interests that go around advertising it everywhere.

When I was a child however, April Fools was a big day. Primarily because I was, without fail, unaware of the date change every year, apart from the fact that I now had to write the number 4 rather than 3 as I had been for the last month. And every morning, without fail, at about 8 am or so, some wisecracking smartypants would allude to a spider on my head. The first time, it was always scary. And like OMG THERES A SPIDER ON MY HEAD WHAT DO I DO? But within a minute, realisation would dawn upon me that there was no eight legged monster on me anyway. Of course, I'd know it was April the 1st within a minute because someone else would go, "Abeer, there's a lion on my head". The entire day after that would be full of eye rolls when magically goats and cockroaches would all appear on my head on that fateful day.

I know this is terribly pathetic an exercise for the 1st of April. But this is what we did, and this is what I miss, because it was a bit more fun that day.
Hopefully ones in the future are a little more than a date change from 3 to 4.

"April 1. This is the day upon which we are reminded of what we are on the other three hundred & sixty-four." – Mark Twain

Mama O Mama!

. So last night Mama was cleaning fish and given how its discarded parts stink, Mama made me take out the trash. Being a little ultra-conservative since it was nightfall (which is when Jinns are said to come out and linger around tree-like places, among other criteria, which is incidentally where the garbage bin is), my khala (mother's sister; aunt) got all Negative Nandini and went 'no no i'll take the trash out' and 'there are witches there and spirits and whatnot' (choorael or pontianak, whichever).  To which my Mama responded by giving me sagely advice, "Abeer, if the witch comes out in front of you, you scare her by screaming at her." Then pauses. And goes, "No, wait. Just untie your hair and she'll be scared of you."

. So anyone who knows me knows that a baby prankster resides in me. And what most people dont know, is that I fall for my own traps. Like, its not even funny how many times I've forgotten a trap that I've set up for someone to walk into or something and its gone haywire because I have fallen for it. Anyway, so the thing with the shower at the home I'm at is that there is a lever contraption that allows you to change the water flow from showerhead to taphead. You get what I mean? And I happen to be the only one who bathes like a queen with water blessing me from above. So I'm the only one who switches the mode from taphead to showerhead. And usually, after I'm done, I switch it back to taphead, but one particular day, I wanted to be naughty and have someone get blessed with water from above. So I let it be as it was and left. Hours later, I went in to wash my feet and came out with water on my back. And with no one to be pissed off. The next time I showered and felt naughty I did the same thing. But this time, Mama went in and got rained on massively. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. That is all.

. Since my khala's my mum's sister and they're related and all that, I think this post can come here. My aunt teaches at a local girls high school and it being examination time, she receives all sorts of answers on exam papers. One particular tale she was recounting was extremely hilarious. A student who mustnt have studied too hard ended up writing a tiny portion of her paper in pencil, writing to an unknown examiner (my aunt) to please not let her fail and somehow manage to pass her. She also instructed the examiner to erase the written portion in pencil so that no one would find out and added her address and phone number if the examiner marking would want a remuneration. Given that the child only scored a 2 out of 60, it was kind of hard to pass her.

Abeerism.

I believe in Hell. Not for any other reason, but because I believe that there is gruesome fate that awaits those who ordain it without a care in the world. 

I'm looking at you, Governments and Kings of "the people".

Mama O Mama!

. We were talking in the kitchen after dinner and Mama's hair was all over the place. So I went up and gently tried to put a lock behind her ear, to which she went, 'dont show me all this artificial pyaar [love] and all that'. To which I responded, 'I'm not. You look like your hair is exploding so I thought I'd make it look a little human'. To which she said, 'O, and your hair? As if your hair is so great. Yknow from the back, it looks like...'. Just while she was contemplating what metaphor or name to put in there, I decided to jump in and say the first name that came to my mind, saying, 'and from the back it looks like Aishwariya Rai*. I know'. To which she goes, 'and from the front you look like Johnny Lever'. If you're uninitiated, I strongly suggest Googling the man. It will be worth it. I had to leave of course, I could not top that.

. Right after that, something happened while we were talking (I dont remember unfortunately) and my mum replied, "you're a terror abeer. baap re, tere bachche honge to pata nahi kya hoga. agar tere bachche tujshe das guna zyaada honge to baap re. tu toh pagal ho jayegi" (man, i dont know what will happen when you have kids. if they're 10 times as bad as you, you'll go nuts). And im like all chill yeah yeah, and then she goes, "baap re, agar tere bachche honge to itni awaaz hogi. tum log hamesha ladte hi raho ge. I think tum ko bangle mein rehna zaroori ho ga, kyunki agar tum log condominium mein raho ge, toh sab log awaaz sun ke bhaag jaayenge" (man, if you have kids theyre going to create such a racket. you'll be fighting all the time. i think you need to live in a bungalow and not a condominium, because if you did, everyone would get scared hearing your voice and then run away."

. Prior to that, while we were having a meal, I was eating really sloppily. Just because, okay. And she goes, "Abeer, tu jis se bhi shaadi karige, tu please us ke saamne shaadi se pehle khana mat khana. Warna woh bhaag jayega" (abeer, whoever you marry, please dont eat in front of him before you get married to him, or he'll abandon you and run away). Dont you just love the maternal affection my mum oozes?

*- Let it be known that I explicitly do not like the woman. At all. I just could not come up with anything better. Wont happen again.

Diss For Sale!

So if you're half like me, you'd find some amount of ri-dick-ulousness in how young women feel they are fat when they are nowhere NEAR being obese. Chubby cheeks does not equal to overweight or fatness, something I feel disgusted to address and validate each time I come in conversations with people of this ilk. These girls, all said and done, have this image of what is considered desirable both fed into their minds by popular culture and their peers/family/strangers. So it may be that they dont think of themselves as fat, but when people tell you you are, sometimes you have no comeback left. This diss for them, for the girls who have not been affected by body dysmorphic disorder and who can still tell the difference between fat and not fat. This is for you if you would like to serve a diss to those people that plant insecurities in your mind.

Therefore, the next time someone comes up to you and says, "going overboard on the fries, are we? remember, a minute on the lips, a lifetime on the hips", well, this is your ready-beer response to them.

"I may need to lose weight,

But you need to gain a brain."

Addendum: "Pity its not something that you can just attain by going on a diet eh?"
Addendum: "Also, I'm not from planet Photoshop."

Abeer Appropriates!

So my name is Abeer and I was born in October.

Co-incidence?

I think not.

Mama O Mama!

. So while I was working on something, Mama came over to just see what my furrowed brows were all about. I showed her that I couldn't decipher someone's hand writing to which she responded with something inane. I said, "Mama, you're such a loser." She said, "at least I'm not a great loser like you."

 

. Following that I told my mum, "aaja mere jiggar ka tudka" (come here, piece of me) and tried to nuzzle her into kisses. Then I realised that it would mean that I loved her and I dont want her having that hallucination, so I quickly said, "nahi nahi, mein aap se itna pyaar karti ho jitna ke koi apne donated kidney se karta hai" (no no, i love you as much as much as someone would love their donated kidney). The implication here obviously was that she was not close to me, and that I would give her if I had to. Unfortunately for me, the diss went down the drain when she replied with, "haan, kyunki jab hum kisse se itna pyaar karte hai, toh hum chahte hai ke woh cheez kar kissi ko mile" (yeah, because when you love something so much, you want everyone to know how wonderful it is).

. My mum walked past me, while I was writing this and went, "Allah, kaise baas aa rahi hai na?" (o God, such a bad stink no?). I replied, "aap nahaye kyun nahi aaj?" (why didnt you take a bath today?). To which she went, "mein ne naha liya. TU ne nahin nahaya! Toh matlab tere me se baas aarahi hai" (I had a bath, but you didnt, which must mean that its coming from you!). This diss HAD to take place the ONE day I forget to take a bath. Such rubbish fate.

The Weirdos Always Win

"So I know you'd never believe this looking at me right now, but I used to get picked on in school too... They'd call me weird. I was weird, fun weird. 

But this is the funny thing about growing up. For years and years, everybody's desperately afraid to be different in any way. 

And then suddenly, almost overnight, everybody wants to be different. 

And that, is where we win."

- Danny Zucker, Modern Family, 2oo9

(dialogue between Mitchell Pritchett & Manny Delgado, "Starry Night", Season 1 Episode 18)

Realists & Dreamers

"There are dreamers, and there are realists in this world. You'd think the dreamers would find the dreamers and the realists would find the realists but more often than not, the opposite is true.

You see, the dreamers need the realists to keep them from soaring too close to the sun. 

And the realists? 

Well, without the dreamers, they might not ever get off the ground."

- Ben Karlin, Modern Family, 2o11
(voiceover by Cameron Tucker, 'Punkin Chunkin', Season 3 Episode 9)

Abeerism.

I think the saddest thing about me is my imagined belief that when I'm typing particularly furiously and in the zone, and there's usually a song accompanied by heavy pianos ringing in my ear, that I think that I'm actually playing that piano tune myself. 

No. 

 

Actually its more like whenever I hear the faintest sign of a piano tune that I like, I start typing to that tune, in my head imagining that I'm sitting in front of a baby grand, looking all immersed and consumed by the ever-so-important tune that I'm playing.

Adulation however, is rather hard to find.

I know you think I'm sad. I'm with you.

Mama O Mama!

2 things happened today, and both extremely memorable.

. While Mama and I were in bed this afternoon, we were talking about something that had to do with Papa and she said something and I went, "dont bully my Papa okay. you're such a bad wife, you're going to go to Hell for not thinking positive things about your husband"*. And my mum goes, "o, so agar mein burri biwi hoon, to tu kitne burri beti hai yeh kabhi socha hai?" (O, so if I'm a bad wife, have you ever thought of the instances when you've been a badly behaved daughter?). I responded saying, "O please, bolna bhi mat, jab mein kissi ki biwi banoongi naa..." (O please, dont even talk okay, when I become someone's wife...). I was going to state that I would be the coolest wife ever, but I let that thought dissipate and said instead,

"Jis khushnaseeb se meri shaadi ho gi naa..." (you know, the extremely fortunate guy that I get married to...)

which Mama completed before I could add anything else,

"...woh bichara bohot baadnaseeb ho jaye" (...will find his good fortune reversed into ill-fortunes after he gets married to you).

As usual, I had no comeback to top that and dissolved into a fit of giggles, agreeing with my mum**.

. Mum made dinner for me and just as she was done, looked at me, and started, believe it or not, rapping.

This is what she came up with-

"Yummy yummy

Made by mummy,

To fill your tummy"

[insert awkward pause where im just staring at her with a piece of samosa hanging out of my mouth and she's looking at me, which after a minute, she fills by adding the following line...]

"Dude, lets be chummy"

"Dude"

"Dude"

"Now I must go or Papa will make me gummy"

[exits kitchen]

* might I add that this was tongue in cheek. i hope you, the reader, is aware that there exists this notion of being obedient and thinking the world about your husband in South Asian communities. this was a play on that. i dont really want my mum to go to Hell, because im really hoping that at least in the afterlife, she'll leave me be.

** Edit Note- I'd like to say something. I told my mum that I was going to go over and blog about this and she explicitly said no, on account of people thinking that my mum is actually not a nice person and the fact that sometime in the future some guy may actually be really turned off, because common, when the girl's mum is so hell-bent on portraying her daughter as crazy, she must be crazy. but common, this was too awesome to ignore!

Abeerism.

What did the new Greek PM's dad tell him?

I am your Papa, Lucas.

Get it? Because he's Lucas Papademos?

OMG SO FUNNY.

Abeerism.

One day, when I grow up, I'm going to set up a company that will provide various sorts of software services to help aid people in making the most out of their phone. It will give them business solutions to optimise communication with clients/peers as well as help in maximising the utility of their devices.

The service company is going to be called

Hone Your Phone

We're the best call you'll ever make.

Alternative caption tags include-

Help us, help you call.

Call us for the best calls.

Abeer Appropriates!

You know you're doing something exceptionally right with your life, if at 22 you still derive happiness from a bar of chocolate.

Diss For Sale!

Know a male who you dont like and who to your convenience is also fat*?

Want to get back at him?

The next time you find yourself at a loss for a smart comeback, tell him,

"[And] pregnancy really seems to be agreeing with you."

 haw haw.

 Also, bonus line that you can use on your boy/girlfriend for when they piss you off:

"My love for you is like yesterday's bread- stale."

Also I made a joke. You'll get it if you know tennis.

So what did Novak say to someone who got insulted by his sense of humour?

"Chill out man, I was only Djoking."

Also I made another joke.

What did the African mother say to her rude child?
"Dont you dare talk black to me."

*- Kindly note that I in no way condone making fun of obese people. This is only to be deployed as a means of making fun of someone who would be able to take a joke like this. And maybe eat it too. Haw haw.

Diss For Sale!

Tired of saying 'your face' as a comeback?

Want to seem imaginative and innovative?

Well then, you asked for it.

The next time, instead of deploying the ubiquitous 'your face', think heavenwards, be a little celestial.

Say,

"God made you as a biology joke, didnt he?"