twitter tadka

so there's this trending topic going on right now, which is pretty sad. it's hashtag 'a good boyfriend'. why this is everyone's main concern i have no clue, but being me, i decided to poke my nose into seeing why this was trending so heavily.
i wont bore you with all the emo nemo romantic idealistic stuff i saw.
instead ill tell you about one particular tweet- #agoodboyfriend way you at. dear lady, if you write in such horrible english, a good boyfriend will elude you for eternity.

i also realised that there was another hashtag, just not as popular as this one- #agoodgirlfriend.
i wont bore you with all the emo nemo whiny stuff i saw.
instead ill tell you about one particular tweet- #agoodgirlfriend gives you head while you play COD. i dont even have a reaction for that. if that is how any man thinks, i think id like to die an old maid.

i however, saw something very hilarious. incidentally, it was an indian tweeter-
"when u see #agoodboyfriend trending, conclusion is that #agoodgirlfriend never exists #OpinionsOfAPersonFromMars"

(twitter handle- @degree_kaapi)
and i think he might just be right. ive had both the pages open for about 10 minutes now, and i have 1018 unopened new search results for #agoodboyfriend, while #agoodgirlfriend only has 228.
this either means that there aren't enough good boyfriends in the world, that there is no demand for good girlfriends, or that women are insanely demanding. id like to think its the first two.

interestingly, there's a lovely McDs commercial airing in India right now. i transcribed it below for your optimum viewing pleasure.

Girl: Are the two of us boyfriend girlfriend?

Boy: No!

G: Why?

B: Because girlfriends are very demanding- I want this, I want that. I cant deal with that.

G: But I only want McAloo Tikki. 

Boy: [feels coins in pocket]

B: Really?

G: [nods]

B: Then it's all good.

Dear God,

Hi.You must know me from the incessant amount of requests I've sent in- most recently for a certain red colour lipstick I've lost and prior to that, for healing. 

I contact you now because Ive started also sending in requests for a successful Honours application. With that I'd like to add that I'd be mighty obliged if you also did some of your regular magic and told the people at office to provide me with a swivel chair. Rest assured my productivity will increase by at least 37 percent.

Should you need to find me for whatever reason, I can be found playing with an insane amount of bubble wrap which I recently found at that secret location at work.

Also, if its not too much to ask, please inform Mr. Omar Abdullah that my 11-year-old crush on him has just intensified on the basis of recent events and the stand that's he's taken.

Love,

A.

The One Where I Write All The Captions

So my contribution this week was to write captions and that's about all I can recall now. 

I also got the location!

I Want Peace, Not A Piece

"This World Is Too Small For Walls"

-Also seen on a wall on Tulsi Pipe Road, India,

along with the blog post title.

Abeer Appropriates

this has been an extremely horrible weekend. not only have i discovered that i lost my MAC lipstick, 

i found out yesterday that i was, after everything, only 5'2.

cue the waterworks.

Why You Have To Love Indian Minds

.example 1

.example 2

Mama O Mama!

. so we were talking about fruit, and Mama's like, 'you know I saw a tengherine there'.

And i was like, what's that? According to Mama (and me too sometimes), a fruit ought to be spelt the way its written- so tangerine is not tanjaarine, its ten-gaa-rin.

. one day while going to office, i wasnt wearing any eyeliner. mama noticed it, and goes, 'o, no kajal today?' so i said 'no, why? do my eyes look horrible?' and mama says 'no, you look good'. and im like, 'yeah, who's opinion am i asking anyway? what would you know about looking good?' and mama retorts, 'im your mirror'. to which i said, 'its a very fugly mirror in that case'. to which she replies- 'and yet you look so beautiful in it'.

. my mama's really cool like that.

Abeer Yusuf Care Instructions

. Please cuddle frequently.

 

. Please crush like you mean it.

. Please hug for long periods of time.

Want To Be A Doctor?

Are you Indian? Are your parents hopelessly in disappointment with you? 

Are you the lone engineering/business student in a family of doctors? 

Or, *shudders* an Arts student?

Have you answered yes to any of the questions above?

Are you all of the above?

Well then this post is the one for you!

If you've always been taunted about not being able to diagnose a cold or a flu, here's the post that will help you turn that around. 

No longer will you be the black sheep of your family, 

no longer will you be subject to taunts of not being able to contribute to the Brain Drain of India (if you're Indian that is).

With this one simple step, you will not only be left feeling like a doctor, you'll feel like you're a surgeon.

This. Is. How.

1. You need liquid handwash for this to work. 

2. You need a bathroom that has a door.

3. You need to look like you mean it.

.Enter the bathroom.

.Proceed to wash your hands with liquid handwash as per usual. 

.Dont dry your hands.

.Instead, hold them both in upright position, and proceed towards the door.

.Now deftly, open the door using your fore-arms.

.TA-DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.

You now feel like a surgeon.

(Because that is EXACTLY how surgeons who're scrubbing up to go into surgery wash THEIR hands.)

Like a boss yo.

Why Old Is Gold

So anyone who knows me knows i love vintage Bollywood. these are simply 3 songs i love alot. 

enjoy.

the original funnyman of Bollywood, Mr. Johnny Walker. i can even bob my head like that! true story.

this was the film that launched Sharmila Tagore, better known today as Saif Ali Khan's mother, 

into Bollywood. there's 2 other very kick-ass songs from this film, but this song's sensitivity is just out of the world!

this is a 70s product, if im not mistaken. the woman on-screen is Ranbir Kapoor's mama, Neetu Kapoor nee Singh. the man she is romancing is in real-life her uncle-in-law. fo' real. i had a huge crush on Shashi Kapoor when i was a kid. 

and this is why the Munnis and Sheilas of today can never compare to the beauty of words and tunes of then.

Dear Karma

This is a humble request from a very concerned, upset and thoroughly worried me, to you. 

Kindly return my MAC Chili Red lipstick. 

I have gone mildly beserk looking for it from the top of my drawers to the end of my Mary Poppins-esque bag. Below, I attach a photo of the same for your reference.

(Very) Worriedly,

A.

Presenting Ladies & Gentlemen...

Abeer Yusuf's first 1 minute 3o second-script debut on National Television!

Please form a queue to collect autographs.

For further scripting services laden with the word 'desi', 

please get in touch with my manager, Mama Yusuf.

And please refrain from making eye contact with me. 

Really.

Presenting Ladies & Gentlemen...

Abeer Yusuf's NANOSECOND debut on National Television! Please form a queue to collect autographs. 

For further cameo appearances, please get in touch with my manager, Mama Yusuf. 

And please refrain from making eye contact with me.

Really.

Dear Readers...

If You'd Like To Woo Me...

I suggest you learn to love this song, because God Knows I will be listening to it an awful lot. 

Not to mention, I intend to dance to it one day!
It is also my most favourite song!

PS. This is a new thing I'm starting- I'm becoming a self-gloated, over-confident, narcisstic Indian whale who's assuming there'll be someone out there who'd like to woo me, and posting suggestions on what he should do to be successful. Because I'm Indian like that.But if it something I shouldn't be doing, I'd like to be told so.

i tweet, therefore i am not.

dont ask me why but i feel like i tweeted some crazy stuff. today, i went back to my tweets from last year and saw just how much crap i have written. after all, i also hit 3ooo tweets today. below is what i liked from my own mind. because im so narcisstic like that. 

make me a senseless rhyme, and ill be yours till the end of time.

in nevada there will be a fire. there will be a boy, there will be a girl. there will be warmth in the winter.

based on mama's recommendation, i will be naming my kids vuvuzela, godzilla and mozilla. one for the one who's really loud, the second who's monstrous and the third who's fast.

eskimo kiss. [i think they're the best!]

one day you and i will demine a landmine.

vuvuzela naiyya yusuf. my kids will THANK me one day.

Abeer is a loqucious lass. [something someone told me]

make me words. win me over.

where is my tickle tree?

a presto mia cara.

one day i will hitch a ride on a tram to Bengal. watch me.

meet Moody the mole.

if only i could own Ranbir Kapoor's ENTIRE wardrobe from Raajneeti, id be the happiest female on Planet Earth.

is it just me or does IMHO sound more like Im a hoe?

tall trees in canada, i will visit you one day.

idyllic france, japanese countryside, new zealand and canada, i will retire to you one day.

apparently im irreplacable. [whoever this was thank you for saying that! made me feel awesome!]

cheer up- pudding cup.

ill marry you if you can play the beginning of udaan's title track or motumaster's riff.

Hey Cupid, how about shooting the both of us next time?

a hard man is good to find. [despite myself, haw haw.]

i would do alot for a man in a tux, with an unmade bow tie. ALOT.

Dear Big Fat Tears, your services may be called upon soon. Please make yourself available soon. Love at large, A.

i thought things could not get any worse. obviously the pessimist in me wasnt working because my day just got worse.

basically, if my entire twitter style were to be compressed into one sentence it would be- i flood feeds.

also, i have decided that if id like to address a happy/bad day, ill be using the pigeon and statue analogy. its basically a saying that on some days youre going to be the pigeon that shits on the statue in the park, and some days you're going to be the statue, when you're going to get shat on. i love that saying.

also. for the life of me, whenever i read www.tinyurl.com i dont see it as tiny url. i see it instead as tin yurl. making me wonder, what a weird name for a site that alters urls. haw haw.

If You'd Like to Date a Journalism Student...

You should read this piece. I think it exalts the Journalism student and their importance a little more than necessary, but is a brilliant read. I, being a signal-status* Journalism graduate [omygod i never thought id live to this day to be able to call myself that! whoot whoot!], can vouch wholeheartedly and personally for point number 2, 3, 4, and 6. Everything said below though, has a flip side too, and I shall cover that in a blog post soon. Until then, enjoy the piece!

[Copied without permission from source- www.stuffjournalistslike.com]

No copyright infringement is intended.

You see that student walking around campus all semester. They seem smart and nerdy but at the same time fun and mysterious. They always seem busy and they always seem to be going somewhere important or talking to someone in a serious situation. They have their heads buried in their planners, notebooks and cell phones and in the split second that something out of the ordinary occurs their attention is immediately directed toward the excitement. In the blink of an eye, they head over to see what is going on, notebook and pen in hand. If you’ve seen this person around campus, congratulations you’ve spotted a journalism student. You are intrigued by this person, but are faced with an interesting thought process. Do you take the time to stop them in between running errands to introduce yourself and ask for a coffee date or do you feel they don’t have time…? If you’re faced with this dilemma, you’ve obviously never known, or dated, a journalist before.

Yes, they always appear busy and always seem to have somewhere to go, but this is what makes the journalism student have such a unique appearance on campus. Although they may seem to busy to be bothered, they are always more than happy to have someone approach them on the street. Throughout their journalism career, these journalism students play one role, the role of approaching strangers. Being on the receiving end of that and being approached first is something rare and something that will keep their attention.

Before you approach the student journalist as though you would approach anyone else you find intriguing and attractive, there aresome things you need to know:

Know When to Approach. If there is a major event occurring that includes fires, natural disasters, sirens, fighting politicians, or riots, DO NOT approach us unless you have a relevant quote, good insight to the situation or a possible source. These are the moments we thrive on to help propel us ahead in our career. Take caution when approaching us in these situations.

Student Journalists Commit. We are building our career the minute we decide to major in journalism. Because of this, all we have to do is overhear a good quote or a strong fact and we will commit to a full 5-source story. The same goes for other aspects of our lives. If we see something we like, we dedicate ourselves to it 100 percent, which makes us great in relationships.

We are Loyal…loyal to our sources, loyal to our readers and loyal to the special people in our lives. We are taught to go to all lengths to protect our sources, be completely loyal and honest to our audience and as a result we apply this practice to our lives everyday. If you want to know something about us, just ask. We pride ourselves as being transparent and we know that the truth will eventually be found out, so we always tell the truth at the very start.

We are Great With People. While other students are in the library with their nose in a textbook, memorizing formulas, or partying until they can’t remember their own names, we are out in crowds interviewing and mingling with everyone we meet. From the student body president and the guy selling water on the sidewalks to the mayor and state senators, we can carry on an intelligent and fun conversation with anyone in any crowd. This means we’ll get along great with your acquaintances, have fun with your friends, and impress your family.

We are Informed. Think about it, the future of our career depends on us knowing the ins and outs of everything around us. This can back fire on you if your intentions are in the wrong place though… don’t expect to stand us up and sneak away with the sorority or fraternity hottie and go to a party. We already know about the party and everyone who’s going… we have sources everywhere, and things you do will get back to us. This is a great quality for our social lives though. We will know of every party, every sporting event, every occasion happening in the college scene, and if we don’t know it right now…give us 20 minutes and we will be able to tell you who the host is, what they will be wearing, what time they will run out of drinks and the name of their dog. It’s what we do.

You Will be Quoted. What separates a good story from a great story is the perfect quote. Since you are a part of our lives and we spend so much time with you, chances are at one point or another you will say something that catches our attention more than normal, and we will quote you in an article or homework assignment. Don’t be upset or embarrassed, be flattered. We are taught to only use the strongest and best quotes, so if you are in our story, we obviously held what you said to high regard...(that or we waited until deadline to write, we are still typical college students.)

There you go, six things you should know before you approach a student journalist in an attempt to score a date. Feel free to share and add more…

                                      __________________________________________

*i have decided to address the status single, as signal from now on. because im such a grammar rebel like that.

Abeer Appropriates!

. so theres tons of things id like to say and talk about, but because i either run out of time or am not creatively up to it, id rather not be the person that blogs for the sake of blogging.

. first. an open letter.

To the Person in Office Who Took my Green Lays Packet (Sour Cream and Onion Flavour),

I dont like that flavour anyway. However, I shall hunt you down for stealing my packet of Lays when I'd securely kept it in my 'Have a Nice Day- DiGi' bag. This is not over!

A.

. second. also an open letter.

To the Mosquitoes Who Keep Biting Me At Night And Singing Into My Ears,

i dont have much blood. stop it or ill file a case against you. also, your incessant bites are giving me panda eyes, making me look sick at work and increasing my concealer use- i cant afford concealer so stop. if you wont, its on [ill be buying my third electronic racket tonight]. i know you can read this.

A.

. thirdly. i have decided to travel to work the desi way- with the radio blasting through my eardrums rather than my iPod tunes, the way i see hundreds of commuters do everyday in buses, trains, cars and roads. but here's whats freaky. the radio decides what mood i should be in for today. like yesterday, i was happy, but the most emo and tearjerking songs were on play. i didnt think it was much of a sign, except that i turned blue for the entire day and couldnt get out of playing the monstrously sad song that is Kyun Mein [something i forgot] from Patiala House. i talked to a friend and he told me not to listen to stuff that would get me down and lo and behold, on the way back from work, that same damn song was playing again! needless to say, i know now that whatever i am meant to be feeling for the day, will be played out in dhinchak desi songs on the way to and from work. word.

. i heard something awesome on the radio today that had me giggling like a school girl. actually, scratch that. i always giggle like that. so the joke's a rajnikanth joke.

'rajnikanth used to go to school. do you know what happened when one day he didnt want to go to school and didnt attend?

no. what happened?

that day is now known as sunday'.

. i also heard an ad on the radio. its a new campaign that cadbury is taking out- called shubh aarambh. the whole point of this campaign is to basically get people to eat cadbury before starting out something new or good. its an extension from the previous campaign which was about the same thing, because in india, before we start something new, we start it with something sweet, so that everything goes well. anyway, this campaign is about not leaving things till tomorrow and instead doing whatever the good deed was now, and not procastinating and waiting for a good time to start. so this radio campaign starts with this dude's voice who says, 'every time you decide that you will start that good deed on a monday. every monday you say next monday and wait for the next monday. mondays turn into weeks and soon its years until you dont get your work started. [insert rest of commercial] stop it. start whatever you planned to do, today. forget mondays. stop waiting for mondays. whatever you want to do, do it today.' incidentally, this was yesterday, which was a monday. ironic non?

. time, is what i need, and time is what i have, but dont have.

. i will be reblogging the most amusing blog post i have just found. soon i will follow it up with something similar of my own.

. does anyone know where i can buy the minion from 'despicable me' at? i.need.to.own.one. that or i must produce a child that talks like Agnes from the same movie!

. what is UP with people not commenting on this blog! whaaaaai you no comment!

. i just read my own previous line (the own above) and thought that i wrote something about UP, Uttar Pradesh, a state in india, until i realised that i wrote the english word, up. honestly, there isnt a more desi-er mistake than this.

intervention- wallpapers

this untimely episode of intervention stems from a trend ive noticed in many many friends.

so if you completely hate me after this i will understand.

what i do not however, in all honesty, understand, is why people like to post and keep pictures of themselves as their desktop wallpapers, twitter pages, and mobile phone wallpapers. 

i have a simple question- why your face?

is it because you'll forget what you look like? 

is it because you cant get enough of yourself?

more often than not, its a very oh-so-very flattering of the person, and im thinking, why? why not pull a Lance* and have a really bad picture? is a self-esteem thing? is it because you get happy when you see such a pretty picture of yourself, which at realtime may or may not be you? 

on a side note, would anyone like to buy me some humourous british literature?

on another, mama just walked off to sleep. before going to bed, she goes,

'shaitan ke baaje baraa

abeer ke baje teraa'

 of which the first line is a metaphor which people use to say that Satan comes out after 12. it translates into

'12 o clock for Satan

13 o clock for Abeer'.

i thought she was referring to me being up at late hours,but no, she asks me a question,

' which is bigger? 12 or 13?'

obvious reply- 13.

so who's the bigger one? Satan or Abeer?

coz' that's how cool my mama is!

*-a Lance is basically taking a photo like Lance Armstrong did. if you read his autobiography, you'd have read the part where he says that he took his drivers license photo just as he looked coming out of chemotherapy, with absolutely no hair, no eyebrows no eyelashes. it was a very moving paragraph and something that demands alot of courage.

one day

i will also have someone who will write something just as beautiful. for me. what a brilliant tune, what true words. sigh.

(homg. is that really superficial and mushy-wushy of me?)

if you dont love the simplicity of this song, i dont know what is wrong with you.

i attach the lyrics of this song for your betterment.

1,2 - 1 2 3 4
give me more lovin then i've ever had.
make it all better when i'm feelin sad.
tell me that i'm special even when i know i'm not.
make me feel good when i hurt so bad.
barely gettin mad,
im so glad i found you.
i love bein around you.
you make it easy,
as easy as 1 2,(1 2 3 4.)
theres only one thing two do three words four you.
i love you.
(i love you)
theres only one way two say those three words
and that's what i'll do.
i love you.
(i love you)

give me more lovin from the very start.
piece me back together when i fall apart.
tell me things you never even tell your closest friends.
make me feel good when i hurt so bad.
best that i've had.
im so glad that i found you.
i love bein around you.
you make it easy as easy as 1 2,(1 2 3 4.)
theres only one thing two do three words four you.
i love you.
(i love you)
theres only one way two say those three words
and that's what i'll do.
i love you.i love you
(i love you)
you make it easy, its easy as 1234
theres only one thing two do three words four you i love you
(i love you)
theres only one way two say those three words
thats what ill do i love you
(i love you)
i love you i love you.
one two three four i love you.
(iloveyou)
i love you
(i love you)

Dear You,

Congratulations 

on becoming a verb to be associated with anything dastardly. 

We all hope you enjoy your newly-awarded notoriety.

Love,

All of Us.