Monday, November 28, 2011

Diss For Sale!

So if you're half like me, you'd find some amount of ri-dick-ulousness in how young women feel they are fat when they are nowhere NEAR being obese. Chubby cheeks does not equal to overweight or fatness, something I feel disgusted to address and validate each time I come in conversations with people of this ilk. These girls, all said and done, have this image of what is considered desirable both fed into their minds by popular culture and their peers/family/strangers. So it may be that they dont think of themselves as fat, but when people tell you you are, sometimes you have no comeback left. This diss for them, for the girls who have not been affected by body dysmorphic disorder and who can still tell the difference between fat and not fat. This is for you if you would like to serve a diss to those people that plant insecurities in your mind.

Therefore, the next time someone comes up to you and says, "going overboard on the fries, are we? remember, a minute on the lips, a lifetime on the hips", well, this is your ready-beer response to them.

"I may need to lose weight,
But you need to gain a brain."


Addendum: "Pity its not something that you can just attain by going on a diet eh?"
Addendum: "Also, I'm not from planet Photoshop."



Abeer Appropriates!

So my name is Abeer and I was born in October.
Co-incidence?
I think not.

Sunday, November 27, 2011

Mama O Mama!

. So while I was working on something, Mama came over to just see what my furrowed brows were all about. I showed her that I couldn't decipher someone's hand writing to which she responded with something inane. I said, "Mama, you're such a loser." She said, "at least I'm not a great loser like you."
 
. Following that I told my mum, "aaja mere jiggar ka tudka" (come here, piece of me) and tried to nuzzle her into kisses. Then I realised that it would mean that I loved her and I dont want her having that hallucination, so I quickly said, "nahi nahi, mein aap se itna pyaar karti ho jitna ke koi apne donated kidney se karta hai" (no no, i love you as much as much as someone would love their donated kidney). The implication here obviously was that she was not close to me, and that I would give her if I had to. Unfortunately for me, the diss went down the drain when she replied with, "haan, kyunki jab hum kisse se itna pyaar karte hai, toh hum chahte hai ke woh cheez kar kissi ko mile" (yeah, because when you love something so much, you want everyone to know how wonderful it is).

. My mum walked past me, while I was writing this and went, "Allah, kaise baas aa rahi hai na?" (o God, such a bad stink no?). I replied, "aap nahaye kyun nahi aaj?" (why didnt you take a bath today?). To which she went, "mein ne naha liya. TU ne nahin nahaya! Toh matlab tere me se baas aarahi hai" (I had a bath, but you didnt, which must mean that its coming from you!). This diss HAD to take place the ONE day I forget to take a bath. Such rubbish fate.

Thursday, November 24, 2011

The Weirdos Always Win

"So I know you'd never believe this looking at me right now, but I used to get picked on in school too... They'd call me weird. I was weird, fun weird. 
But this is the funny thing about growing up. For years and years, everybody's desperately afraid to be different in any way. 
And then suddenly, almost overnight, everybody wants to be different. 

And that, is where we win."

- Danny Zucker, Modern Family, 2oo9
(dialogue between Mitchell Pritchett & Manny Delgado, "Starry Night", Season 1 Episode 18)

Realists & Dreamers

"There are dreamers, and there are realists in this world. You'd think the dreamers would find the dreamers and the realists would find the realists but more often than not, the opposite is true.

You see, the dreamers need the realists to keep them from soaring too close to the sun. 
And the realists? 
Well, without the dreamers, they might not ever get off the ground."

- Ben Karlin, Modern Family, 2o11
(voiceover by Cameron Tucker, 'Punkin Chunkin', Season 3 Episode 9)

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Abeerism.

I think the saddest thing about me is my imagined belief that when I'm typing particularly furiously and in the zone, and there's usually a song accompanied by heavy pianos ringing in my ear, that I think that I'm actually playing that piano tune myself

No. 
 
Actually its more like whenever I hear the faintest sign of a piano tune that I like, I start typing to that tune, in my head imagining that I'm sitting in front of a baby grand, looking all immersed and consumed by the ever-so-important tune that I'm playing.

Adulation however, is rather hard to find.
I know you think I'm sad. I'm with you.

Mama O Mama!

2 things happened today, and both extremely memorable.

. While Mama and I were in bed this afternoon, we were talking about something that had to do with Papa and she said something and I went, "dont bully my Papa okay. you're such a bad wife, you're going to go to Hell for not thinking positive things about your husband"*. And my mum goes, "o, so agar mein burri biwi hoon, to tu kitne burri beti hai yeh kabhi socha hai?" (O, so if I'm a bad wife, have you ever thought of the instances when you've been a badly behaved daughter?). I responded saying, "O please, bolna bhi mat, jab mein kissi ki biwi banoongi naa..." (O please, dont even talk okay, when I become someone's wife...). I was going to state that I would be the coolest wife ever, but I let that thought dissipate and said instead,
"Jis khushnaseeb se meri shaadi ho gi naa..." (you know, the extremely fortunate guy that I get married to...)
which Mama completed before I could add anything else,
"...woh bichara bohot baadnaseeb ho jaye" (...will find his good fortune reversed into ill-fortunes after he gets married to you).

As usual, I had no comeback to top that and dissolved into a fit of giggles, agreeing with my mum**.

. Mum made dinner for me and just as she was done, looked at me, and started, believe it or not, rapping.
This is what she came up with-
"Yummy yummy
Made by mummy,
To fill your tummy"
[insert awkward pause where im just staring at her with a piece of samosa hanging out of my mouth and she's looking at me, which after a minute, she fills by adding the following line...]
"Dude, lets be chummy"
"Dude"
"Dude"
"Now I must go or Papa will make me gummy"
[exits kitchen]



* might I add that this was tongue in cheek. i hope you, the reader, is aware that there exists this notion of being obedient and thinking the world about your husband in South Asian communities. this was a play on that. i dont really want my mum to go to Hell, because im really hoping that at least in the afterlife, she'll leave me be.

** Edit Note- I'd like to say something. I told my mum that I was going to go over and blog about this and she explicitly said no, on account of people thinking that my mum is actually not a nice person and the fact that sometime in the future some guy may actually be really turned off, because common, when the girl's mum is so hell-bent on portraying her daughter as crazy, she must be crazy. but common, this was too awesome to ignore!

Friday, November 11, 2011

Abeerism.

What did the new Greek PM's dad tell him?
I am your Papa, Lucas.


Get it? Because he's Lucas Papademos?
OMG SO FUNNY.

Monday, November 7, 2011

Abeerism.

One day, when I grow up, I'm going to set up a company that will provide various sorts of software services to help aid people in making the most out of their phone. It will give them business solutions to optimise communication with clients/peers as well as help in maximising the utility of their devices.

The service company is going to be called

Hone Your Phone
We're the best call you'll ever make.


Alternative caption tags include-
Help us, help you call.
Call us for the best calls.

Saturday, November 5, 2011

Abeer Appropriates!



You know you're doing something exceptionally right with your life, if at 22 you still derive happiness from a bar of chocolate.

Friday, November 4, 2011

Diss For Sale!

Know a male who you dont like and who to your convenience is also fat*?
Want to get back at him?
The next time you find yourself at a loss for a smart comeback, tell him,

"[And] pregnancy really seems to be agreeing with you."

 haw haw.


 Also, bonus line that you can use on your boy/girlfriend for when they piss you off:
"My love for you is like yesterday's bread- stale."


Also I made a joke. You'll get it if you know tennis.
So what did Novak say to someone who got insulted by his sense of humour?
"Chill out man, I was only Djoking."

Also I made another joke.
What did the African mother say to her rude child?
"Dont you dare talk black to me."



*- Kindly note that I in no way condone making fun of obese people. This is only to be deployed as a means of making fun of someone who would be able to take a joke like this. And maybe eat it too. Haw haw.

Diss For Sale!

Tired of saying 'your face' as a comeback?
Want to seem imaginative and innovative?
Well then, you asked for it.

The next time, instead of deploying the ubiquitous 'your face', think heavenwards, be a little celestial.

Say,
"God made you as a biology joke, didnt he?"


Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Mama O Mama!

So I've just come off dinner and Papa and I were teasing Mama about this prior thing, so she's a little on edge.

I say something to Papa (translated I'm bullying him about something) and Mama responds like, 'why are you saying that to him?'
To which I go, 'aap ko kya ho raha hai? aap ka blood pressure kyun high ho raha hai?' (whats it to you? why's your blood pressure rising?)
To which Mama goes, 'mera blood pressure high nahi ho raha hai, mujhe blood pressure hi nahi hai' (my blood pressure isnt getting high, i dont even have blood pressure).
To which I respond, 'I know. aap ke paas blood hi nahi hai*' (i know. you dont even have blood).
To which she goes, 'yeah, kyunki tu ne saara choos liya '(yeah, because you sucked it all out).

I spat my spaghetti out as a result of that.

*- I was trying to imply that she was bloodless like some kind of evil creature.

Edit: My mother just finished praying. As soon as she wrapped up the prayer mat, she comes up to me, mutters something and goes, "Allah meri bachchi mein se Shaitaan nikalde" (Allah, please rid my child of Satan).

Diss For Sale!

So this is a particular one I just came up with in like the last 5 minutes.

This diss is to be deployed, to my imagination, when you're talking to someone, say for example, saying something that is quite serious and they reply with something that just makes you think, 'Dude, just try for 2 minutes to not exhibit an IQ of -3'.

So anyway, this is how it goes.
You say your piece, the diss-ee reacts in a completely bizarre way and says something completely unacceptable. Right?

You, my friend, in response, start looking around, as though you've lost something.
Repeat this until the diss-ee cannot help but ask you 
"what are you looking for?"

Respond with, 
"Your brain. Pretty sure you had it a minute ago."

You're terribly welcome.
*Leaves audience full of standing ovation*