a few days ago, i sat down with a friend of mine who's going through a break-up. we were talking at length about the problems, issues and dissecting it just as carefully as 2 biology students in the 8th grade would dissect frogs.
in the midst of all this, she mentioned the solutions she'd be offered, and more often than not she noted that she was advised to go for a rebound as a cure for her heartache. while i steered her effectively (i think) away from this plausibility, i wondered what would have made anyone dispense such advise to someone who's just come out of a serious relationship.
beyond that, i pondered the serious ramificiations of such a move if she were to hypothetically undertake them.
say for example there was a guy who was geniunely interested in her, and seeing her give him some interest, asked her out (now that she's newly single and presumably ready to move on) and they started dating. so while for this girl this was just a temporary solution to move on from her ex-boyfriend, say the boy falls for this girl. obviously since he's just a rebound, there will come a time when the relationship/fling ends. what then of the boy's feelings? what about him? is he meant to be picked up, in the first place, to be discarded like that?
nevertheless this is a pathetic solution. and beneath this, i was able to chart a deeper meaning to why anyone would suggest a solution like this (i have a lot of free time. so sue me.)
this stems from instant gratification. its not really about hurting the boy or the girl moving on holistically. i believe the solutions, as unrealistic as they were, were provided in good faith- to see friends move on in life and to witness normalcy return. but this is about something alot bigger than that. its all about the weakness that has firmly taken root in society and the phenomena that is instant gratification. if i may be the killjoy that i am, id like to add that the Internet isnt helping matters, but that's an entirely different issue that i'll visit a little later on.
instant gratification makes it seem that everything is okay, acceptable and gives you false pretense that all is well. yknow what? maybe it is. maybe in this moment, it is. but look at the long term. in 5 years, im quite sure this girl is going to feel an immense amount of guilt for doing what she did, for toying with a boy's heart she shouldnt have, and all those extraneous feelings that usually accompany the travelling circus that is misery.
and trust me, i cant say this from experience, but i have gut instinct that that guilt is alot harder to live with.
see the problem is with the structure of society today. whatever we need, whatever we want, we want it today. we live in the moment. i live in the moment. but for everything i do, everything i say, i make sure it wont have any repercussions for me in the long term. i try not to do things i'd regret 10 years on. this may seem like a cowardly thing to do, even stupid perhaps. but it works for me. ive been hurt by people, and ive wanted to say mean nasty things to them, about them, all that jazz. but i stop myself only by considering whether any of this would matter in the next 10 years. would i look upon something that seems the world to me now, and think of it at omnipresent stage then too? probably not. would i think it was something trivial, that was however bitter an experience, an experience _______? something that i had to go through to build character ? most probably yes. its a little weird for me. im highly impulsive. i want what i want, i know what i want, and i know when i want it. but when it comes to these bigger things in life, i dont mind waiting. id probably have passed the Marshmallow test, dare i say so. i have faith and belief that in the future, all those who have wronged me will realise the implications their actions have had, and those that who do right by me will prevail in my life. perhaps its Utopian of me. but i have this faith and belief. mind you, its been put to test recently and i feel like crumbling and giving into the temptation that is instant gratification, but im just holding on, somehow. one day at a time. yaaaanyway, this is not about that. this is about what causes instant gratification.
as i said earlier, its all this moment. its about doing what you feel is right now, and then realising that perhaps you didnt do the right thing after all. what shocked me most, from the conversation with my friend, was a revelation of hers. she had not only been advised to go for a rebound, but that she get out there 'and kiss some boys'. i was flabbergasted. if there's no other solution available, unleashing sexual desire is the way to go!
it may be all well for those who've perhaps practised this philosophy and find it effective for themselves. but i think its a very uncool way of dealing with problems. what we need to recognise and indeed, media at large too, is that not everything is about repressed sexual desire or the need to feel good instantly. sure, you'll take a load off by making out with some grunge kid you meet at a bar, perhaps it'll even be better than what your ex was capable of. but in the long run, it feels bad. at least i think so. there's no harm in having fun. but letting feelings which are governed by passion and love (+ lust) be commonly available to those who would not otherwise be deemed worthy of receiving them, is surely no solution.
its hard to understand this. but waiting it out and believing that the best is yet to come, is the best therapy you can ask for.
ill show you a simple example. remember that time when you were 15? and your O Levels, or the Big Board Exams were coming up? remember how you were worried sick, depressed even about your performance in the coming months? remember how it ate up your nights and days? remember how you used to cry in frustration, not being able to memorise something, or because you were so darn tired from something?
remember how important and consuming it was? uptil that point, that was probably the worst thing that could have happened to me, personally. it was just eating me up, constantly. i wanted it to end so badly, and at that point, i couldnt see anything in my life beyond that. i thought if i didnt do well, i would be a failure for the rest of my life. each and every blighted moment was spent thinking about it, worrying it, wanting it to end, and both not wanting it to end. 5 years on, i cant believe i was so possessed about something as tiny as that.
i dont know if this analogy helped, but that exam is your problem now. and its consuming you. and you want to escape. but like the exams, you cant escape. you may think you can, but you're going to have to face it. and you'd rather deal with all the problems now than confront them at a stage when they've just blown out of proportions. no?
in other news, i salute anyone and everyone who can keep their feelings of anguish and instant gratification out of facebook, blogs, and twitter. because i most certainly have to make a concerted effort at it. and sometimes i fail. i fail, cryptically, but i fail nevertheless. this is another reason why we cant beat that instant gratification behavioural pattern. because there is an outlet out there that's screaming that everything you go through, everything you feel ought to be documented and everything will be better once you tweet about it, or Facebook, or just, let it be known to people you may or may not know. yknow what? its not cool. you may vent, you may get that outlet, but you must realise, in the back of your mind, someone is judging you and saying, this person cant even handle their problems on their own. i know how it is when someone breaks the last straw on your camel's back, or whatever that quote was. and i know how sometimes you need to vent. but if you absolutely must, do it as cryptically as possible.
Now this dude's heart broke, and he told everybody about it. As if he wasnt unattractive enough, he's out there maligning his ex. On Twitter. And see, you and I, we dont even know him, but we can see his tweets. We can peek into his mind, and judge him. And we can tell he cant take a hit. I'm sure what his ex did to him was horrendous, and probably something no reasonable person would do. But then again, no reasonable person would take to Twitter to vent like this no?
